Newbie - dealing with envy
I'm so glad to have found a place to talk about this... It's not a subject I can bring up with a co-worker or anyone else I know.
My wife and I (of 20 years) have just "opened" our monogamous marriage. Some background: my wife bores EASILY. She won't do anything twice - ever! Let me tell you, I'm sure monogamy has been a BITCH for her.
We've each just had our first encounter and at first I thought I was jealous. After some introspection, I decided it was envy. I'm envious that the other guy is getting "the good stuff".
By "good stuff", I mean for 20 years my wife has barely tolerated sex with me. Oh, it was good for the first couple months we were together, but then she got bored. She became a "one-n-done" kind of girl, "doing her duty" (her words), barely getting involved in the sex act, just laying there, etc. With the new guy, it was 3 times, many hours, doing all the stuff I WISH my wife and I did :-(. With me it's "get on-get in-get off-get out, you've got 5 minutes" - I'm not exaggerating - that's a direct quote.
No matter what we do, we cannot, by definition, recreate the newness of our 20 year relationship; I can't erase her boredom. I think I'd feel a lot better if she tried to show the same level of energy for our relationship as she's doing for her new partner (or conversely, treated her new lover like she treats me with the 5 minutes, one-n-done approach). Is this a common thing and I should just get used to it?
Don't get me wrong - we love each other dearly and I'd bet my life on the fact she'll come home to me. It's NOT jealousy. I know she wants a new touch and the tinglies you get in your stomach when you're with a new lover. I get that. I put 110% into it every time I'm with her and I feel like I get 5% back. I'm envious she's saving that 110% effort for someone else... :-(
Any thoughts on how to get past this?