Thanks for all of the feedback
Thanks for the feedback. I think everyone had really thoughtful stuff to say and I really appreciated those who validated my feelings.
I also respected and agreed with AnnabelMore's response. No, it wasn't a super emergency, I just wanted him to come home to be an extra support in case she didn't sleep well, because I was soooooooo tiiiiiiiired. This new job is awesome, but is kicking my ass.
We ended up talking for a bit last night and he told me he posted on one of his favorite forums--and the feedback was that the wife was first, so he decided to come home. I told him I had come to a place of acceptance and it was really up to him to make the choice that was right for him. He still chose to come home.
Our daughter did not sleep well and he was able to tend to her while I slept, and I was really grateful. I emphasized that my request wasn't to cock block him, it was because I didn't want to do this alone. I understand my previous reactions would lead him to believe I was out to ruin his plans with our lover, but it wasn't. I told him about AM's post and how we needed to talk about some sort of protocol for sick kids. Sometimes it isn't the sickness that is so exhausting--it's the kid being sick PLUS me being tired PLUS doing the everyday stuff of parenting. We don't really have biological family supports to help us when one of us are sick or one of the kids are sick, so we really rely on one another when someone, anyone in this house isn't feeling well. It's taxing on us all.
I also really meditated on AM's point of me making this about sex. I wish I could just cut that part out of my brain. I know it is more than just that: it's about all of us making stronger connections with one another. That's why I run these things by the forum, because I know what I'm feeling isn't always rational, and I care enough about the triad to look at my part.
And my spouse is an awesome spouse. AWESOME--he does stuff for us all the time, so I apologize if I painted some sort of picture that he does this stuff often, he doesn't. He did after all, consent to my request to open our marriage up to our lover and is rather accepting of my poly identity. I just needed to know if my own thoughts were selfish. I feel part of them were-(when making it about sex) and some of them weren't-(by wanting help with our girl). It's just so weird to hear him say, "no" so firmly and so quickly, especially when one of the kids are involved.
She is feeling much better, btw.
"I know what I am, I know what you think I am, but I refuse to be that simple." - Nomy Lamm