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Old 03-17-2012, 04:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qarzan View Post
And in terms of defining things, I wanted to ask her things like, if she prefers that I contact her more often, or less often, or if I should just wait for her to contact me... that sort of thing. Do you think this would come off as being pushy?
Well, if it's something like, "Where do you see our relationship going?" or "How do we define what we have here?" before there really is a relationship, that seems a bit pushy, or maybe more needy and clingy than anything else. Because it's like asking her to shape something out of the bare beginnings of a dating dynamic.

However, there is nothing needy in saying, "I like you," "I enjoy your company," or "I'm looking forward to seeing you again." Because those are direct statements about how you feel, not questions about what you're going to get out of being with her. Capisce?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Qarzan View Post
I would probably bring it up like, "I know you're really busy, and you're travelling a lot, and I definitely don't want to intrude on your time, so would you prefer that I contact you less often?"
Oy. My reaction to what you wrote is that it's kinda wishy-washy, in my opinion, like you're standing there with hat in hand. What's wrong with just being direct: "How often can I call you?" (or "text you") And I would wait to say this until you see her again. And if she says something like, "I don't know, let's just play it by ear," then you say something like, "Okay, I just want to make sure I don't intrude on inopportune times" or whatever, which can open up a dialogue, but that's different than prefacing your ask with a "I'm so sorry to even be bothering you with this question" kind of begging quality.

And if she still doesn't give you a definitive answer, just be loose about it. Send a text if you feel like making contact ("Hey, thinking of you, hope all is well..."), and leave it alone. Don't send a half-apologetic one the next day. If you don't hear from her for three or four days, or a week or two, there's your indication of how often she wants to or can be in touch. Also, I would just practice making direct statements (with everyone in your life) whenever you want something, if I were you.

This is all just my take on it, and my perspective on how I would approach things. Others here may feel you're doing just fine the way you've been handling things, but I just think it's better to not be too heavy-handed in the beginnings of a possible relationship.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-17-2012 at 04:12 PM.
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