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Old 03-17-2012, 09:34 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Alec has a friend (let's say C) who is in quite a restrictive relationship. Basically, C's girlfriend dictates what he is and isn't allowed to do (and I'm not talking about things like basic monogamy rules, but as in he can't have a certain hobby and things like that). His interactions with Alec are somewhat limited by that as well; it is hard for them to set up a time to meet etc. Anyway, C commented to Alec that he had misunderstood that since Alec and I spend a lot of time in different rooms doing our own stuff, it meant that I was angry at him. Alec explained that it's just that we are autonomous in our relationship, we don't need to hang out all the time when both of us are at home. C commented "you're lucky".

I agree. Though it's not so much about luck but what we have created together, what emerges out of being autonomous and making boundaries in a relationship. There are some immediate emotional rewards that a symbiotic/co-dependent relationship offers, and those can be lucrative particularly in NRE or if one is (unconsciously) scared of independence whether it's fear of failure or fear of abandonment. But that kind of a dynamic is often just frighteningly unhealthy (depending on the extent to which the couple comes before the individual).

I feel happy that both of my partners appreciate their own independence and want to honour mine. I feel happy that none of us need each other; instead we want to be in this. This is what I want.

Last edited by rory; 03-17-2012 at 09:38 AM.
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