Thank you dingedheart and I appreciate your comments. Helping me think and feel my way through this.
The "loss of intimacy" more or less occurred over the past 2-yrs. During the last year my wife had some medical issues that really made her lose interest in any sexual activity. The year before that she was when she started feeling something was wrong with her, with us, I felt it too. We would talk sometimes but never quite figure anything out.
As far as couples therapy I tried this in a previous long-term relationship and it accomplished nothing. I recently discovered a book that debunks everything that I remember doing in couples therapy. We are both reading through this book and working on the tasks. The book is called The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work
by John Gottman.
I haven't had the conversation with my wife about what she expects. We have definitely been talking (more on that later). I am feeling that maybe I jumped ahead a little making assumptions, but a poly life choice is still in the picture.
Dating is something we really desperately need. We are aware of that. We have trouble accomplishing this because we have no family nearby, our friends are mostly also with kids, and our available pool of sitters is mostly young so they usually can't stay too late and no school nights. A few times during summers my wife's parents will visit overnight and give us a night or two out.j
I won't exactly disagree with the assessment that "...you have intimacy issues..." but I don't think can be put that simply. I have intimacy issues with men. I'm not into broadcast sports, playing sports yes, watching them on TV no. I either end up with geeks who I don't quite fit in with or with artists. Call me an "Arts and Science" kind of guy. I find that I can make friends with women more often than I can with men. The two men my wife has in her circle of friends are definitely her closest friends, closer than the women she is friends with.
My wife does work from home, so this gives her some extra time that I do not have but there is not really a big difference in the amount of non-work, non-childcare time we have. It is mostly how it is distributed. She gets little breaks here and there to communicate, have a lunch with someone, etc. I work a day job and manage a small team so I'm busy all day.
I haven't invited my wife to learn more about poly, I suspect she hears quite a bit from her friend who she already loves as a friend and is already living the life.
I left something out in my original post, and it is important, but it didn't seem to fit in. Since my wife spilled her soul to me about a month ago, and we began talking about this, we have actually been having really warm loving sexual encounters with each other. So even though I feel that there is a certain elephant in the room there is also a lot of optimism. My wife and do deeply love and care for each other so I feel that no matter where we go we will remain friends.
Originally Posted by dingedheart
What exactly do you mean your not against her needs? Are you ok with her having other intimate partners. Is she ok with you having the same?
Have you done any couples counseling...since the loss of intimacy.
Do the 2 of you go on weekly dates?
Has your wife done any reading here on what to expect?
My gut feeling is if you have 1) intimacy issues to start with... and 2) reluctant spouse the odd of this working out smoothly are really low.
Is she home alone a lot...with large amounts of free time to invest in 1-2 other relationships? Time becomes a big factor.
I suggest she and you read as many stories here as you can to get an idea how things can go.....once started it's really hard to unring the bell.