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Old 03-17-2012, 12:24 AM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Its over

Thanks to all that helped me. I'm very sad to say it didnt work out very well. In fact its over

She (his wife) was on leave for stress and calming a bit. I tried a few times to suggest pulling back (leaving the relationship), but we kept talking more as three, he didnt want to give up. But each time it was so clear she was in pain and not okay with my need of being a co primary. That she fears I'm going to take him for myself.

He assured me he was going to default to being with me if the 3 didnt work out...(which i'm sure stoked her fear)..... that we wouldnt break up. That if she didnt accept the new ground they were on, their marraige as they knew it was over. But this week we did break up. Because our happiness cannot be had if someone else is in pain. Because he would hate himself for leaving her now in the state she is in. Because he still loves her. Because they cant meet my needs of being an equal. He said leaving me would rip his heart out, but leaving her would compromise his values and make him hate himself. So he chose her.

I know how it goes when we contact each other after a breakup (we've had quite a few) and I asked him not to contact me. He was very saddened at this, and cried, but I know from history what will happen. Reading these boards it sounds like people think we should be able to stay in contact and not make it so hard with cold turkey no contact. But this has torn me up so completely, I'm not sure how I'll recover this time, much less risk it to happen again. I was ready to move to be near him, move my business, leave my friends and family and even my country. I wanted it. I was excited. Now the dream is not only gone, but so is he completely.

He felt like a soulmate, we brought each other up like phoenix's out of an abyss. We soared together.

IF I stayed in any kind of contact, I'm deathly afraid of being unable to move on.

And I didnt get to say goodbye to her but not sure any further outreach to her is appropriate.

Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
My apologies on the long response time.

Honestly, I will hold onto whatever relationship with him I can have. We are that well-matched. The two of us are still trying to come to terms with our new "status". We are in daily communication by text, phone, and email. We find that we do okay, are kind of philosophical about the whole thing most of the time, but when we see each other in the flesh, it rekindles the longing. Don't know if that will diminish over time or not.

We've talked about being afraid to "let go", but that is more a psychological manifestation imo, than anything else. In all reality we have let go. Our lives are no longer entwined except as they would be with any friends that you love and care for.

I won't lie, although far from perfect, getting to this place was pure hell. The sense of loss was overwhelming. But it always came down to the fact that what choice did we have? Like you, I will never ask him to choose me over his wife and children.

I've finally reached the place, where I know I could go on and be happy if I knew that he could accept things and be happy. For some reason, it seems we must do this in lockstep. Due to winter illness, (his kids, me, his wife, him etc.) it's been three weeks since we've had a chance to talk in person. I am eager to see where his head is at ~ hard to discern by text, especially given the fact that we've been under weather.

One thing I know is that his wife, my friend, is now back in a good place psychologically, since he and I declared our platonic status. (And at one point he offered to cut off all contact with me in order to prove his love to her. The gesture was enough; she decided she didn't require him to actually do it.) For this I am glad. Just wish she could understand that our love for each other does not take away from her. However, since she's relaxed, she is no longer uptight about him spending time with me. In fact, next weekend he's coming to my house to help me with a computer problem.

I don't know if any of this will help you, but know that I know how you feel. Going to read the rest of the thread now to see if there have been any updates.
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