Originally Posted by nycindie
Who says that when she's not in town you can't still have a big huge flame burning? It seems like you have a bit of tunnel vision with this relationship and are forgetting that she has other people in her life, and you potentially do as well. There can be a multitude of flames burning all at the same time. But leaving the metaphors behind, it sounds like H. is being honest with you about the limitations she has surrounding how involved she can be. It isn't her responsibility to nurture your emotional health, that's up to you.
I hate to say this, but to me, you do come off as a little needy and clingy in your expectations of H., and I think you need to wake up a bit, get your feet back on the ground, don't look for her to take care of you, and start seeing the reality of the situation and just enjoy it. If you start laying a heavy trip on her, likely it will not bode well for you, so ease up on the expectations or she will be gone. That's how I see it, anyway.
I'll tell you what I remind myself of when starting a new relationship: that I always want to be a source of lightness and refuge for my partner, someone with whom they can enjoy their time and experience pleasure. I feel that being with me should never be stressful or a downer in the early stages of a romance. I don't dismiss any negative feelings I have, I just don't burden any new partners with the crap in my head. I still communicate what needs to be said, but I work it out elsewhere beforehand to get clear on what, exactly, that is. I do this because I would rather take care of myself than be "high maintenance" for someone else.
Not only do I learn a lot about myself this way, but what I've found is that my lovers appreciate me as someone with whom they feel safe and free to be themselves. They then let themselves get close to me without my asking them to. Which means more to me than if they met any demands/wishes I had that they let me in, help me deal with it, etc. It's a slower process and very challenging because I am used to jumping all in right away. However, if I can be patient, when we do reach a stage of deeper closeness and intimacy, then, I feel the relationship has a better foundation for me to express the more difficult stuff, my insecurities, etc. -- but in the beginning, that needy shit's a killer. Unfortunately, I found that out the hard way. So, it has helped me enormously to take this tack.
Thanks for the advice, Cindie. It definitely helps. I sent her this facebook message last night:
I apologize if my last text may have freaked you out a little. I told you that it's very difficult for me to hold back my feelings. I felt that I missed you, and wanted to call just to say "hello", so I sent a text saying that I miss you, and asking if I could call.
Anyways, you might be busy, get back to me when you have time.
I also had lunch with one of my close friends who I've just recently learned is poly. I do think all of this stress comes from the fact that H and I didn't clearly define what we had, or what was going to happen. It would have been much easier for me to deal with if we had decided something, anything, instead of saying "Let's take it as it comes" which basically gives me no information.
I don't blame H, maybe she's with another boyfriend, maybe she's busy, maybe she lost her phone. I will wait until she contacts me, or until I see her again. I did realize, once I calmed down, that my reaction came from a place of neediness and desperation. I need to cap that s4!t.