Anneintherain, my former submissive bf, who I was with for going on three years, told me that he had a "mostly vanilla" relationship with his domme. I can't say whether that was true or not, I wasn't there in the bedroom with them, and a big part of our breakup was her inciting him to lie to me and destroy my trust in him. While I hate the idea of anyone physically hurting or humiliating the man I love now, even if it's safe and consensual, what I mostly worry about is the mental hold that a dominant can get over a partner. That's what they DO, they're good at it. My former metamour, the domme, was a master (mistress?) of manipulation, and, from what I heard from a mutual friend, it sounds like she pretty much persuaded my love that I was destructive to their relationship and they would only survive if he ended it with me. Ultimately, he sent me a brief "I can't do this anymore" email, and completely cut off all contact.
My current love is a smart guy. I trust him. My former love was also a smart guy whom I trusted. I guess I don't believe that any man can withstand a woman who is manipulative on the order of the domme I used to call metamour. By the way, I had considered her one of my best friends, and actually introduced her to my former boyfriend, and wholeheartedly encouraged their relationship, before she decided that I had to go. I was fooled too, and so was my husband, who had also considered her a close friend.
I don't hate all D/s. I've dabbled myself, as a very mild switch, and it can be fun on a limited basis. I would have done so with bf if he'd ever expressed any interest in kink to me. It's true that I don't like sadists, they make me sick, and my boyfriend's new friend is clearly one of those. I don't think it would bother me at all if bf dated a sub or a switch, it's specifically the scenario of him dating a domme, and a sadist, that I don't like.
Arrowbound, it's true that I don't know boyfriend's new friend, and would be very unlikely to be able to meet her in person any time soon. I know intellectually that she might be a very good and ethical person. I guess I just find it unlikely that a person who gets off on hurting and humiliating others is such. There's a disconnect there for me.
BlackUnicorn, bf just says that he's curious about the kink world in general. I think he has a specific interest in attending a play party, and his new friend could certainly get him into one of those, I believe she used to run a local dungeon or something like that. (Yipes.) He's told me that he's certain he doesn't want to try humiliation play, and outside of that, he doesn't know his limits because he's hardly ever done anything kinky.
At present, I'm just taking deep breaths and focusing on the fact that he told me yesterday that they're just friends for now. I hope things stay that way.