View Single Post
Old 03-16-2012, 09:00 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default Hierarchies

Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I hate miscommunication over scheduling SNAFUs, because no one wins. Just something more to discuss as a group on how to handle better next time.
I had to google SNAFU, it's brilliant! Sweetheart is always teaching me new slang expressions, like cup of joe. And what do you know, I was watching Twin Peaks the other night and Agent Cooper used it right there! LUR-VE Agent Cooper >sigh<...

Anyway, I digress. Vanilla's mum was over last night, and for reasons unknown to God and man, I had a complete wedding freak-out, which progresses into an hour long whispering discussion on hierarchies in poly with Vanilla at 00.30 with her mum, aka The Lady with the Super Hearing, sleeping in the next room.

(While I don't like the way Vanilla's mum treats her some times, I do appreciate how she at least is making an effort to get to know me.)

So, at midnight, a crazy thought pops into my head. Maybe we shouldn't invite any of our other partners to the wedding, because it's about us, right? What if Vanilla freaks out over me giving a hug to Cookie (or anyone else I might be with at that time)? Vanilla: "If you are worried you might not know how to act around our other partners on OUR wedding day, better we don't have the wedding until you know". Fine.

My biggest problem with this hierarchy thing is that I need specifics. I need to know what she wants on concrete terms, and need to figure out if I am compatible with that. So, we are primaries to each other. What does that mean? "It means no one will ever come before me". Well, can anyone be on an equal level with you? "I want us to be the core couple". What does that mean? "I want us to get married, live together, have kids, grow old together". Can someone come in at some point to also live with us, have kids and grow old together? "Maybe, but if in the retirement home there are only two-person rooms, you better be damn sure I'm going to be the one in that room with you!"

So we have a new hierarchy rule. In case of two-person rooms only, we are in that room together .

(The wedding is still on, provided I can imagine myself in the future sticking to the two-person room rule. I felt better after my wedding freakout when I went through a mental list with Vanilla on all the stuff we need to do. And kissing other partners on the mouth at our wedding is not okay, but pecks on the cheeks are good. And we will not be seated separately, but with our close family all at the same table, which will include any close family-like partners we might have at that point. I crave specifics, you know?)
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote