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Old 03-16-2012, 05:10 AM
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firehaus firehaus is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 9
Question Living. Learning. One Day at a Time.

I am looking for information, suggestions, and learning about peoples' experiences with their poly choice.

I'm here not by my own choice but that doesn't mean I have been "forced". My wife of 11 years came to a realization a few months ago that she needs something else/different/more in her life. She told me about this only one month ago. She needs more "connections". I am not entirely unfamiliar with this need but I experience it in a different way, for me it is almost entirely sexual, for my wife it is for relationships not unlike hers and mine. We have a deep friendship, respect, love, and desire for each other which is why I'm here.

I've had friends and we have friends now who practice polyamory but I can't say that I have ever talked to them about it. I accept it because it works for them and that's enough for me. This situation with my wife is not entirely a surprise either.

Before my wife and I met she had been in a relationship where her partner lied and slept around a lot. As it turned out possibly passing on some STDs in the process. One day she found out about his lies and it altered her. She was really hurt by this and when I met her she was strictly monogamous. When I met her I was looking for marriage. Our sexual histories are fairly different in that she has had only 4 men in her bed and before our marriage I had many many more than that. She is now 39 and I am 48 and we have a 4 year old son all of us living in a suburban house. I have always encouraged and supported her life choices. Many of these choices take her away from me, but if she is happy then I am happy. She still feels a certain wanderlust to get out and explore the world (which I have always found odd since she hates to fly anywhere). So I am not surprised that one day she realized she may have made life choices based on incomplete experience. Partially this is where we start to run into trouble.

She already has two potential new partners in her life, both men, who she has known for a while. One of these men is married and he and his wife are poly. The other man is not married or poly but otherwise unattached. I know both of them. She tells me she has not yet had sex with either of them and she is not even sure that is where things are going. But for me this means I may have very little time to adjust to this new situation for us. I will also add that I am simply not in the same space. I am not looking to expand my partners. While I am not completely against her needs but at the same time I feel pressure because this thing may move fast (faster than I think she thinks it will).

A concern for me is that she is looking for additional serious relationships while I am not. I am fulfilled in my emotional relationship with her and with my son so while she is out pursuing her thing I may want to pursue something different.

I find my wife very sexually attractive and would happily make love with her every day, but I/we find that often there isn't the opportunity (for a variety of reasons that might take too long to put down in words here). In fact over the past couple of years we have not very often been together intimately (and yes this was related to her new feelings, not understanding them, but other issues as well). I had already been feeling so distracted by this absence of frequent intimacy that I was seriously considering having a sexual affair or affairs to help me feel "normal" so I could function day to day (going without sexual interactions is not normal for me). I'm thinking that she will be busy and unavailable in the other relationships while I'm needing a partner to fill my sexual appetite.

So there you have it so far.
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