Just thinking about this particular metamour freaks me out
I've posted a little about this already, but the issue is just getting more complicated. I have been in a long-distance secondary relationship for a year, with a wonderful man whom I get to see every 2 or 3 months. I live with my husband, and boyfriend lives with his wife. Neither of us has any local lovers, but boyfriend has recently met a local woman who interests him.
Normally, I would be boyfriend's biggest cheerleader in a new relationship, but this new person makes me extremely uncomfortable on multiple levels because she is a sexual dominant. I do not like the potential power imbalance there. I had a previous poly relationship where I watched a bright, independent man whom I believe genuinely loved me become putty in the hands of a jealous domme who wanted me gone from his life. She eventually got her way, and my former boyfriend is afraid to even say hello to me in social situations now for fear of displeasing her.
I watched in horror a year later when the exact same thing happened to my best male friend. A male dominant demanded monogamy from my friend's beloved girlfriend of two years, and she rushed to do his bidding, and dumped my friend. He had viewed her as a life partner. (The male dominant had multiple female submissives already, all monogamous to him.)
At this point in my life, any man who is submitting to someone else, or interested in doing so, is not someone I want to date. My current boyfriend is not a sub (as far as I know, anyway, although he lacks any kink experience.) He just met this woman socially and finds her interesting. I've seen her profile on a kink site and she pushes a lot of my buttons (sadistic, speaks disrespectfully about a partner of hers right on her profile, etc.). I told boyfriend my misgivings about his new friend, in detail. He listened, and then told me that new friend wasn't anything like the unethical domme who used to be my metamour, and that he wasn't anything like my ex, and that he, and I, would be fine. I then told him, you do what you like, but I do not want to hear anything about this new relationship, please just leave me out of it unless you have necessary sexual disclosures to make. He agreed to do this. He adhered to that for about a month, then, in the course of telling me about his weekend, mentioned that he had spent time with her socially. It was the first time in a year-long relationship that I'd ever gotten upset with him.
I really don't believe in don't ask, don't tell, as a rule. Boyfriend just made it clear to me that he hates not being able to speak freely about his social life to me. He had tried a don't ask, don't tell relationship with his wife in the process of transitioning to a fully open relationship, and he says it just got them into trouble. I can see his point.
He says he isn't dating the domme (yet). I don't want this to become a huge issue between us, we normally get along perfectly. But I feel very strongly that I cannot personally trust a dominant as a metamour, that there is too much potential for them to have too much power, which can be misused. It would just about destroy me to lose another person I loved in the same manner as last time.
I also believe that it would be completely inappropriate for me to have veto power here. I am just a secondary partner, and a long-distance one at that. Boyfriend has a wife, and I really wish she would take a hard look at the domme and put her foot down, but so far, that has not happened.
Does anyone have insights or advice, or is this just an unsolveable puzzle?
No offense was meant to any kinky people here.