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Old 03-15-2012, 07:35 PM
HotPepper HotPepper is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Currently in Australia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Pop out of a cake? Singing telegram? Seriously, I don't mean to be facetious, but what other approaches could there be to sitting someone down and telling the truth, sharing your feelings, asking for what you need?
I don't know. Wishful thinking on my part. I'm not used to asking for what I need, I love giving instead. But I've hit a wall, I can continue to be a giving person, but I need to tend to myself first.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am always puzzled when people come here and share that a partner doesn't want to discuss something and so they feel that that is the final word and now it can never be discussed. Sure, I can respect a partner's hesitancy to hear something or discomfort with certain topics, but... ??? There were times in my marriage when my ex-husband told me he didn't want to talk about something that was extremely important to me, and my response was always, "But I need to talk about this, and I need you to listen." And he did, and always thanked me for not letting him get away with shutting down the conversation. So, I can't really see a reason to give up on expressing yourself and making your needs known just because a partner doesn't want to hear it.
I can't think of anything to say here, other then to agree. I find that my non-traditional views on love and relationships have taken me many many years to be comfortable with. And really I've only found comfort after finding a community that shares my beliefs (this one). I can't even begin to explain why it took me so long. So I think to myself - if it took me so long to understand who I am, just how long will it take me to explain it to someone else?

As a guy, I have always felt that I'm fighting a society that says men are pigs, especially sexually. I have heard from so many quarters around me that we're insensitive, ignorant, sexual deviants that must be taught to approach relationships more like women do. That was the message I saw, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I have always taken it upon myself to prove that I'm not like other men. Look, it's martyrdom on a small scale - that's what I've been practicing. That's why I have suffered instead of spoken. Now, if that was some masochistic turn-on for me, then everything would be ok. But it doesn't. I hate playing the 'good man' example. I am a good man, I don't need to constantly prove it anymore. And I'm done sacrificing my persona to make anyone else happy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What is the "this" that won't go well? The telling her part? Or what comes afterward? I think you need to get really clear on what you want out of this if you do talk to her about it. Is the goal to open up the marriage so both of you can have additional love relationships, or do you just want her to know what is going on in your heart of hearts first and foremost, to bring you closer? What do you fear about having this discussion with her and being honest about your true self and deepest desires?
This is the part I'm certain about. What I want. There is no question about what I want anymore. I want intimate relationships with other people, men and women. This is how I grow as a person. Being intimate, close, one-on-one. I learn from people, and the closer I am to them the more I learn. But it hasn't been about what I want for a long time, it's been about what she wants. And it's about my fears concerning her well-being after I tell her. As I said, she's vulnerable. Men have abandoned her before. And she will see this as yet another attempt, by yet another man, to leave her.

I have to create a setting that conveys security to her. I have to do more then tell her I'm not leaving her, I have to show her. Which means I need to tell her that I'm polyamorous, then hold her hand, and show her over time that I'm not going anywhere.
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