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Old 03-15-2012, 06:27 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Hullo and welcome! You are not the first swinger to cross these boards, so I hope some members who have a similar background will want to chime in.

Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
He and I talk every day. We talk about everything from sex to politics and religion. She talks to him as well but not nearly as often and nothing too deep, more lighthearted banter. Some days it's a "Hope you have a great day" and that's it.
This is very new, right? Whereas you have been with your hubs for some time already? I think those indepth discussions might come along once they get to know each other better. The guard is let down and people are more comfortable expressing their true feelings and opinions on matters. When we are in a new relationship with someone, it's very important to feel accepted by them, and thus many people avoid talking about their eccentricies, passions and strong opinions to minimize opportunities for disagreement.

Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
...Hubby is more black & white, he'd like to know where he stands vs. is she going along for the ride because her Hubby is connecting so well with me. We’re pretty good at communicating so far between the four of us but how/should you address such a concern? He’s tried to let her know he’d like to have more time to talk to her but doesn’t want to pressure. The biggest thing for him is he doesn’t want to feel it’s more of a sexual thing than a connection. We are at a point that we want more than that.
So there are not one but three issues at work here. 1. He would like to talk more to her and about deeper stuff. 2. He would like to know if she is really into him or just going through the motions to keep everyone happy. 3. He is worried that their connection might just be about sexual infatuation.

As to issue nr 2 - that feeling of insecurity is part and parcel of any new relationship. There's no complete doing away with that. "Does she like me, does she see future potential for us, does she like me as much as I like her, is she just passing time in the wait for something better...".

With several people involved in the relationship at the same time, there's the added pressure of not knowing whether everyone is going to end up liking everyone the same way at the same time. This seems rarely to be the case, but then again, I think people often have very stringent time frames for when situations need to "move forward", "get serious", whatever. If you needed several years to figure out that swinging wasn't right for you, why should poly bliss happen within months?

Issue nr 3 - how about they get out of the bedroom and go out together, not just to pubs and the like, but actually do some activities together, share an interest or passion, do something that will also give them stuff to talk about?

Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
We don't like the idea of bringing people in and our child's world (not that we would share with our lil one that we were anything other than friends). However, we would like to do normal things in which our child could be present. However the vibe we get from them thus far is they don't care to get together unless it's sans child. This feels off...I can't imagine having a loving relationship with someone and cut out an entire part of my life as if it's doesn't exist. Not that I expect them to be an involved part of our child's life but to have them come over after our child is in bed or to always find a sitter if we get more involved feels off to me.
I was involved with a couple who had small children, and while I love the wee ones dearly, it's hard being the one who isn't really a stranger but not exactly responsible for the kiddoes either. I don't know if the four of you have sleepovers or what are your kid's sleeping patterns, but a simple thing can put a childfree person off - they might think for example that they are too loud in bed, or can't express themselves freely when there are anklebiters around.

You say you get a vibe from them, but have you actually asked them how they feel about children? If they say that they absolutely hate children and don't want to hear, see or smell them ever, then you need to considerably tone done the seriousness of the relationship. If they are not that antagonistic, maybe you could have a barbecue with other people coming over too, go camping or whatever it is that families do these days, and have your child be a natural part of that in-group interaction.

Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
But something about them... or maybe it's just the experience...NRE? How do you manage those first new emotions and behave like a normal person not wanting to rush into things too quickly?
I suggest tag searching NRE and doing some reading if you haven't already. I'm dealing with it right now and it's causing strain in my established relationship, so I don't have a cure . I think if you already have a settled life, so to speak, it's good to hang on to a timeline of approx. a year together before making any major life changes. Redpepper but it nicely somewhere: if your "date night" means a night spent in front of the telly, folding laundry and being barely conscious of each other's presence in the same room, it might be a good time to start the moving in talks.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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