Originally Posted by NovemberRain
You say 'safely reveal.' It might help us to know what you fear. Are you afraid of her leaving, her head exploding, hurting her? My father is fond of the saying, 'soft surgeons make stinking wounds.' I don't like it, but I know I've always preferred laser-clarity from folks when I've been dealt unpleasant news.
Yes, its about Hurting her. I hate putting people in any type of pain. I'm not here on this planet to cause suffering. When I left my first wife she was hurt - I thought that it wasn't going to be as bad as it was as she was working in another city and we really weren't seeing each other that much. But I was wrong. She was badly affected, and I found out years later she still had no one in her life.
And I saw the look in my current SO's eyes when I was planning on leaving her 2 yrs ago, I was already starting to see someone else (bottom line - I cheated on her) but she was devastated and I couldn't stand myself for hurting her. I went back to her. I always think of myself as tougher then everyone else. But that's not true. I know that i need to lead my life on my terms and have like-minded people with me on the journey.
I can't say that I've been where you are. I have been a serial monogamist for a long time.
I can say that my boyfriends are fairly uncommunicative. They don't share much more than they have to. One of them is exceedingly (okay, that's my judgment) private. It's odd.
However, they are personally private. They're both pretty open to whatever I want/need to talk about; they just don't often have much to say for themselves. I have had to become more clear on when I need to talk, and I have had to learn that my happiness and well-being don't have much to do with whether or not they offer some part of themselves to the conversation. ach, I'm not being very clear. (maybe that's why they don't talk ~ they can't follow me!)
I guess what I'm trying to convey is that private doesn't have to mean uncomfortable. I can't imagine how painful it must be to have your partner not want to know your deepest self. I know other people in relationships like that. I don't know whether or not my partners *want* to know that, but what I do know is that they don't reject me when I offer it up.
It took us eight (nine?) years to get to our poly vee (and we weren't consciously aiming at it). I dated one first, the three of us were friends, broke up; dated the other; three of us continued friends, broke up with the second, and here we are in a vee. (just background so you know where I stand)
Wishing you best of luck.
Thank you, just talking about it has made a huge difference. I can't believe how much of a load off my soul it has been writing my words and reading the words from everyone who replied. Thanks.