Today was school day for me and those days I don't see Nancy too much. I was lucky to have time with Hardy since I didn't have to work. It was so wonderful to spend time with him and just hanging out until my class. I was still weird from last nights events. Nancy's freakout kept us both up late as I was trying to help her relax and calm down. But she was still weird because of the dream she had where she got violent with me.
So the brave thing I did tonight: I sat on the couch with Nancy and spent time with her before bedtime. God, that sounds weird doesn't it? That something that simple can be a brave thing for me. But I guess when my natural tendency is to go, "Well, you aren't showing me affection so I'm not going to show you any!" changing that to, "You've been standoffish lately but I love you and I love us so I'm not going to run away." feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. There's just a part of me that screams, "You're being so effing stupid! You're being used!"
So when I worked myself on my drive home thinking that she doesn't care and that's why x,y, and z happens, I was prepared to be somewhat ignored by her. That's kind of fucked up isn't it?
But I sat on the couch with her, just us because Hardy was on the phone with his mother and we just talked. We talked, we bitched, we giggle but more importantly we shared. God, I felt like that hadn't happened in so long! She sat close, she touched me and showed her interest.
I'm sorry to say that emotionally I wasn't as receptive as I would have liked to be. I was so ready to be upset, to be hurt, and emotionally numbed myself to deal with it that I wasn't totally present in the moment.
But tonight showed me something. It showed me that it doesn't have to be bad all the time and that my girlfriend actually does care about me to some extent.
There's still a long way to go for me. I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish in terms of my jealousy and my perception of my triad. But for now, I'm focusing on celebrating the little steps.
Here's looking to tomorrow's bravery!