View Single Post
Old 03-14-2012, 06:04 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yeah, let go. You will gain nothing from beating yourself up over anything. Look at the good things, let go the icky. It's a nice, romantic thing you did with the ring, and I'm sure that made her happy.

I cry at the drop of a hat, but usually that is connected to my thought processes and not my emotions. I might be a little like your wife regarding emotions in that many times people in my life get this idea that I am not reacting or feeling as much as I "should" in a situation. My ex-husband used to get so upset because he thought I wasn't "sentimental enough." But I grew up in a household where self-preservation meant keeping my feelings under wraps, especially when the shit was hitting the fan. I usually liken how I handle stress to a duck. We see a duck on a lake and it looks like it's just sitting there, floating on the water -- BUT under the surface, its little webbed feet are all go-go-go. So, imagine how it feels for someone to seem reserved on the outside while processing a lot of stuff on the inside.

I also wanted to say that, for lots of newly poly people, it helps to have some transition time between being with one lover in their environment and coming back to a partner in their own home environment. It can be hard, and weird, to jump right into day-to-day life and relating. Some people need an hour or two, some a day or two, to process before reconnecting with their SO. There is a thread that started to address that here: How do you avoid distraction?

Most important, though, is to stop beating yourself up. Now.
Thanks for the link. That looks pretty helpful. My wife is definitely a lot like that. She handles a lot under the surface and it destroys me that she won't let me in. I need to learn that's just her way of dealing with it, though, and it's not personal. Her childhood was similar in nature to yours.

Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
LOL! This sounds so familiar. I'm the emotional one that will read into stuff. The problem here is that it becomes a vicious circle. As long as she is withdrawn and NOT telling you what's going on, you will read into stuff. Yes you can make the effort to NOT read into stuff as much, but she also needs to make an effort to keep you clued in to what's going on with her.

My husband will get offended if I ask "What's wrong", because in his mind, there is nothing "wrong", he's just thinking. It didn't occur to him that his non-responsiveness would have a negative effect on me. I have had to learn (still learning) to say things like "Something is off, I can't put my finger on it, but something is just off with you, can you clue me in a little because I'm starting to take it personally? If you need more time to process before giving me details, fine, just keep me in the loop." This seems to work for us better than anything else.
Yeah she hates that I ask her what's wrong all the time. Today I managed to ask her a different way and we had a long, long conversation about where our relationship is headed. I feel like I understand her needs better and I'm going to do what is necessary to keep her happy, even if that means letting her go on extended vacations more often (and not bombarding her with romance and personal needs the moment she returns).

Thanks everyone!
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
Reply With Quote