Originally Posted by LusciousLemon
I wanted to thank you (and everyone else) for looking beyond the initial view here. I think you hit the nail on the head in that I'd just like to have things going even decently for a short while before I feel like I get broadsided by something else.
I am trying very hard to figure out how to express my feelings to L and B without coming across as harsh or unsupportive. I will support L completely through this pregnancy, even if only as a friend, but that doesn't negate my feelings and I'm trying to figure out how to express that.
L really does almost more than her share in the house. She cooks pretty much all the meals (this is by her choice, cooking is stress relief for her), and often picks up after the children. B has a slightly more than part-time job and they are attempting to get on their feet enough to contribute financially to the house but at the moment the financial contribution is a bit sketchy. We have been splitting food costs for now though, as they have been able to get food stamps due to their low income, so S and I's expenses really have not gone up too much since they moved in (but they haven't gone down either).
This is a frequent enough occurance in the house that it severely limits our ability to spend time together and on some level I was looking forward to the aging of the general child populace of the house to lessen it, while instead now I have the addition of another needy infant to look forward to. L and B are still dealing with initial jealousy enough that they have a "both or none" rule for any physical intimacy beyond a quick kiss and the basic couch snuggle (which is all I've done with either of them at this point). I have no issues with this rule in theory, but considering the seeming near-impossibility of L and I both being child free and available at the same time it just really complicates matters all around.
Hey, no problem, and you are welcome.
I don`t think it is a bad thing at all, to be worried and not quite happy-yet about the pregnancy. That will come with time. When things catch us by surprise, it ultimately tends to work out better. Acknowledge the negative aspects first, build a plan, and then the joy will come. Sounds a-ok to me.
I have 4 kids, and I can relate to the sleep thing. My first 3, I had in a routine, attachment-style as well, and they were pieces of cake. As very young babies, they were wonderful sleepers. They slept with me, then moved on to a crib when they were ready. All being ready around 6 months of age.
I thought all these parents with kids who woke constantly were 'over-coddling' them.
Then I had my 4th one. It`s been her sole mission in life, to show me how little I know. She finally slept through a night at age 3.
It`s one thing to have a baby wake up. It`s another thing entirely to have a small child, who can get up and out of bed of their own free will, wandering the house. It makes a parent jumpy, and can set up that 'trigger-response' scenario, where you jump and check, everytime you hear a noise.
So even when you want to unwind and relax, you technically can`t. Even if the child has been asleep for 3 hours,..all it takes is a creak of a floorboard, and everyone springs up off their chairs.
I am going to suggest some interesting ways to get chat-time.
- I think you might have to look at the option of going to bed MUCH earlier, and getting up earlier. Early in the morning, is when kids tend to be happy to eat, and play amongst themselves for a bit. The day is just getting started, so you wont have that 'parental-guilt' about spending the quality time with them. You`ll know you will see your children later on in the day for that.
- Driving in a car. My husband and I, would go together to MANY places, that we didn`t really need to travel together. Why ? Well glad you asked,..
.....because you can get a lot accomplished in the 'talking' category when children are buckled into their car seats.
Less fighting, less talking, no running around. This is a perfect time to discuss things.
As for L and B,...if YOU feel confident in their abilities to pitch-in around the house, and pitch in to make meals, buy food, clean, and see genuine effort to get ahead,...then I think you can take heart in your worries over their genuine interest in not purposely jerking you around. Usually people who do these things do it subtly in all areas of life, until their true colours show through.
The other side of that, is the fact that it ( relationship) has a good chance of not being what you want, regardless. Some people are down on their luck, because they genuinely have had a rough spot. There is some transitional time, until they get back on their feet again.
Other people are down on their luck, because they have a pattern of making poor choices. The rough spots just cycle, and things don't truly get better. It ends up being a series of highs and lows.
If this is more then 'transitional' type of place in life, that may be why you feel the outsider. Because you are.
Your partner might be identifying indirectly with them. She is going through transitions, and struggling, and so are they. That is very bonding. You are being viewed as 'the rock', and the person with their shit-together.
If this is a situation where you are friends with people who have a pattern of poor choices, then things are going to keep being a mystery to you. There will be a pregnancy now,......and then there will be something else later. I am not trying to be a debbie-downer with this,..but having read your words, I think you have probably long figured out, you would rather see the negatives and not go into things blindly. So,..acknowledge what could go wrong, so you can carve a path to a better chance of things going right.
Make communication a priority. It`s not good enough anymore to keep giving it a back-seat.
Answers are needed, before you 'blow'.
Everyone patting you on the head and telling you not to worry, is not going to work for you.