Adrift's Challenge to Herself
A bit of background:
Poly is a struggle for me. By habit, I'm a jealous and insecure creature with a lot of pessimistic tendencies. Trying to be positive and compersionate about my triad almost feels as painful as pulling teeth. And I feel like I shouldn't have to be. When I'm upset or afraid or jealous, I do the exact opposite of what is good and healthy for me; I withdraw into myself, avoid communicating with my partners and get lost in dark, horrid fantasies where I realize all along that my partners don't care for me, don't love me, or don't care/want me as much as they do each other. It makes me feel crazy, like I can't trust my own mind. These dark fantasies become so real in my mind that I question what the hell I'm doing in a relationship that doesn't provide for me.
So I decided I needed to do something to change this. I love both of my partners very deeply and I've never felt this way about anyone else previously. I want this relationship to work. I decided that I need to start being proactive instead of reactive whenever jealousy rears its ugly head.
So this blog is about doing that. It's about confront what makes me feel afraid one step at a time (however big or small) and doing something about it. So my challenge to myself is to take at least one moment every day and do the exact opposite of what my fear is telling me to do. It may be as simple as instead of wondering why my girlfriend isn't as affectionate with me as with my boyfriend, get past that little voice that says "It's because she doesn't love you," and reach out to her first. Show her that I love her and desire her and hope that she shows me the same in return.
I plan on coming here and to my personal journal everyday to document it. This is how I plan to keep myself accountable. I want to do this for 30 days and then evaluate how I feel afterward. If I still feel like my relationship is disconnected or ill fitting, then I realize maybe I need to reconsider if it's right for me. But if I notice a change in those 30 days, then I'll (hopefully) be able to see where my actions have caused a disconnected and keep working toward fixing it.
Truth be told, this challenge scares me and I don't really know why. I suppose that fear is like a caged and tormented animal that is afraid of it's potential freedom. Wish me luck!