thanks guys. I knew there would be words of wisdom here
Derbylicious, I really like the idea of us both writing down what our ideal situation would look like.
AnnabelMore, yeah, I'm trying to feel around within I myself how much interaction I want with her.. the three of us. Maybe that is also something we should discuss, the level of intimacy / friendship between the three of us that we are all comfortable with.
There is one issue that further complicates things. Girlfriend only lives in our city part time. The rest of the time she lives quite far away. In her hometown, she has a boyfriend, who doesn't know about her relationship with my husband.
It's not my position to judge this (although I guess I do, just a little), its my husbands decision wether or not he wants this. But. When they went on a trip together, they met a bunch of her friends and were in HER social circle (though the boyfriend wasn't there), and those friends were not allowed to know the nature of the relationship between my husband and her, because she wants to keep this a secret. So they pretended to be 'just friends' for a week.
So this sort of rubs me the wrong way.. its a bit childish maybe but I keep thinking: why should I welcome her with open arms into my life, while she is keeping her relationship with my husband a secret from everyone who is important to her?