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Old 03-13-2012, 08:17 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Tyleet View Post
...the question is where to draw the line past which a meeting is necessary. I feel that if he has been chatting for hours nearly every night and flirting with someone for two or three weeks already before even informing me of this person's existence, that crosses a line of discomfort for me. If I hadn't asked what was going on, I don't know how long it would have taken, if ever, before he told me about her. I don't feel I can live like that, it makes me feel mistrustful.
I would say, "the line" you draw would be somewhere you would both be comfortable. Why not just let him tell you when he feels like it has potential to become a romantic relationship and let that be when you need to make yourself known to her?

However, when you talk about him "flirting with someone for two or three weeks already before even informing me of this person's existence," well, that's an entirely different thing. Now you're talking about him letting you know what he's up to. I was talking about him introducing you to people he's interested in. Two different things. I would think that he would naturally tell you he was engaged in flirty conversation with someone, even if he wasn't ready to introduce you to that person. So, I wonder what is the problem he has with saying, "Hey, honey, I'm chatting online with someone. It's fun and flirty, and I'll let you know if it starts to go anywhere."

If my ex-husband and I had been polyamorous and had an understanding that any of our friendships could become relationships, I think we would have conducted ourselves pretty similarly to the way we did as a monogamous couple who never restricted each other as far as having friends of the opposite sex. We always kept each other informed of what we were doing but also trusted each other completely so never felt the need to police each other. In other words, if I had a primary partner that I had to check in with, yes, we'd definitely let each other know what we're doing beforehand, without hiding anything, but we wouldn't need to meet any of our friends or interests until there was definitely a potential for romance. At least, that would be ideal for me if I was partnered (I'm solo).

Originally Posted by Tyleet View Post
The difficulty with online interactions, too, is that meeting in person is problematic at best and likely impossible due to distance. But again, if they're spending literally hours at a time together, it doesn't make much difference to me whether they're casual friends, flirting friends or cybersex friends, I want to meet the person who's taking up so much of my husband's time.
Well, Skype and video chats make it a little easier to meet online friends.

I also must ask, is his spending hours every night chatting with these people intruding on his time with you? Because I don't see it as unreasonable to ask for a certain amount of time that he spend focused on you and to have a limit on frequency and length of time spent online. If so much of his time is spent with his attention focused on these online flirtations, I would wonder if there is some sort of avoidance going on. Chatting for "hours nearly every night" sounds a little like an addiction or obsession. Is he attending to his other responsibilities to you and your household?
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-13-2012 at 09:46 AM.
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