So, I have a little time to bring up the topic of sex and how I view it. I've actually realized today that how I think I should view sex and how I actually view sex are very different and I'm starting to sort this out.
It came about through messages with my fiance. I started to wonder why I feel a deeper emotional connection through physical non invasive touching. I have a deep need for snuggling and being nestled into his chest, arms around me. Pretty much cradling. Whereas, when I think of sex I think of... orgasm. Now, don't get me wrong I absolutely love sex, but it feeds a physical want not an emotional need for me. There have been times that I have connected emotionally with him through sex, but it is rare and now that I have really acknowledged this about myself it caused great concern about myself and my view of my sexuality.
And wow.... I'm about to bring up things that I thought I had dealt with and never wanted to return to, but I think I must because I want that pure emotional connection. I experienced sexual abuse as a child/teenager off and on by people I deeply trusted with my well being. I didn't have the greatest childhood and have some abandonment issues. I went through a very ugly stage of my life that was filled with pain and misery and confusion and self loathing. Yes, I blamed myself because I always knew there was something off about me which is why I attracted this sort of behavior from people I trusted. (which are 2 separate issues that I will bring up in the same post)
The first one is easier. About how I always knew there was something different about me. I have always felt a romantic connection with more than one person at a time. I thought I was defective. This is something I am still working myself through actually. The same idea that people who were molested as a child grow up and repeat it. I thought that my urges and wants for multiple relationships was something that was caused from my experiences and that in time I would heal from it and therefore my need for multiple people would go away as well. Well, that's a big N.O. And thanks to a good hard scary look into myself and the help of this forum I have learned that this is me, and it's not an ugly scar from my childhood and I'm not defective. It's just me and it's okay.
It's still a work in progress though.
The second part is, I have a belief that I need to be in love with someone to have sex with them. But, as I looked harder and deeper I ask myself what exactly does this mean to me. I love my fiance with everything I have, but now I see that when we are having sex it is just a physical activity (mighty fun lol) and there is no emotional connection on my side of it.
All this time, I have been thinking that because I love sex so much and I have truly overcome my past and now I don't think I have at all. Letting someone in physically is way easier for me to do than letting someone in emotionally while being intimate. And... I actually feel guilt about this now that I've discovered it. This is so not fair to my fiance.... and it's not fair to myself either.
I want the feeling that I get when we snuggle. It's a deep emotional trance for me. I feel the world melt away and I am safe in his arms connected to his heart. I feel as though we are one. I want to work on bringing the two together and I think I will have to do alot of digging around to figure it all out. But, with us both reading the communication thread and wanting to really work on our connection through communication I am sure that I will learn to feel safe enough to really open up emotionally to him.
You really weren't lying that poly puts a spot light on EVERYTHING. Things that I didn't even realize were happening. So please everyone feel free to add your own insight to your sexuality and the emotional connection behind it. And all questions are really welcome as they will make me dig even deeper into myself.