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Old 03-13-2012, 01:32 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am not meaning to trivialize it, no. Its hard to tell someone that they might want to consider if they are whining or not, lol. How does one say that without actually saying "you sound whiny." Maybe I could of said it differently. Sorry if I came across as sounding anything more than suggesting you have a look at that.
You did, but I understand. You weren't mean, I just didn't understand at the time. I so appreciate your blunt honesty. It makes me feel secure. (Again, something I think a lot of polyfolk agree about.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This man, if he is empathetic at all, knows deep down that you are hurting, that she is hurting, that he has no control over this love of yours and that while he has kept it at bay for the time being, things will never be the same between them again. There is some grief in that as much as change. Love has a way of doing that to people.

He can put a halt to it, but she is changed now because of it. She has some knowledge of him that she didn't know before and needs to process how she feels about that. He is faced with some knowledge about her that he didn't know before that he now has to process. He needs time to do that also... the end result will be a change. There is no avoiding that. He and she could decide that that change is to see how it goes with you becoming a different part of their lives than you have been or it could be that the door is closed to that. What that does to their relationship and to yours with her is yet to be seen.

Yes, I am pretty sure they are overwhelmed with "thinking about it."
Wow. Yeah. You're right, of course.

She wanted to open up the relationship, and now he knows that, and he can't just forget it.

He must be really hurting right now. I truly hope this doesn't end things for them. She would be heartbroken.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Years later again I found her on FB and we connected again (I was 34). I went to visit her again after a love affair via skype. Again I almost lost my second marriage. Again I was bowled over.... Again it ended in pain. It continues to this day. We are very gentle with each other this time around and have a simple respect that we need to "not do that again."Ha, who knows where its going. I am just glad that we can talk at this point and love her with all my might but not be with her.
I'm not sure I would want that. Love can hurt so badly. Do you regret any of it, or are you happy with how it is right now and glad for what led to it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
you're welcome. you ARE doing fine... its just all part of it. *hugs* Welcome to poly, lol.
You know, some people might say, "Why would you want to do this?"

I say two things.

1) Not all monogamous people are possessive, and not all monogamous people cause drama, and not all polyfolk are drama free (an hour on this forum will tell you all this, I think).

However, all the relationship drama in my life has had at its heart someone who was insecure. Sometimes me, sometimes someone else - but always someone who was clinging to monogamy out of fear.

2) Even with all this drama and pain - I have, under it all, hope for my own future. I feel fulfilled and safe at my core even when I don't feel content or even happy. I truly know that this will pass.

It is the most wonderful feeling to know that no matter what, I will never again be trapped in a relationship with a person I've chained myself to. If I ever end up in a monogamous relationship, it will be because we just want to be with each other and not because I feel I have to.

There is such joy and freedom in realizing that.

It speaks volumes that despite all the pain I've experienced since realizing I'm poly, I am happier overall than I ever was when I thought I was mono.

That is so powerful to me.

I'm so young, only 21, and I'm lucky to know this about myself. So many people don't realize until they're 30, 40, 50.
__________________
Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future

Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 03-13-2012 at 01:34 AM.
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