View Single Post
  #10  
Old 03-13-2012, 12:55 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,661
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
I think I see what you mean. You're not meaning to trivialize the pain, just reminding me not to demonize other people or expect them to know things they don't know yet (and that I didn't know a year ago, even)?
I am not meaning to trivialize it, no. Its hard to tell someone that they might want to consider if they are whining or not, lol. How does one say that without actually saying "you sound whiny." Maybe I could of said it differently. Sorry if I came across as sounding anything more than suggesting you have a look at that.

Yes, he is not where you are at and neither is she... it takes time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
I just don't want to be a "whiner," even if I do whine sometimes. Does that make sense?
Oh ya, I hear ya sister

Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
It's going to seem weird in a week that I was so worried about the opinion of an internet stranger, but I'm really fragile today. Somehow I think you can probably empathize.
I do. I really do. You and I seem more similar than you realize, lol.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
I need to change something so I can function. Again, it can be within myself.
Good idea.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
Do you think he'll actually think about this? I mean... from his perspective, maybe he's "won" and there's no reason to keep considering anything?

Is that, perhaps, not a very likely thing?

I guess... I'm struggling to understand this one view of his, so to me he could be an alien for all I know. Though I suppose I'm more the alien here, especially to him.
The thing that I have come to know is that much change and growth happens for people when they are given space. In that silence there is more going on than I like to believe at the time.

Like I said about loves coming back into my life. While we have been apart, after things have blown up, I have discovered that they have thought about things deeply and have been just like me in that they are just as emotional and affected by the drama that has occurred. This situation you are in seems no different to me.

I have just gone through a break up where I feel like he and his wife have "won." Did they really though? Stuff was said that really hurt me and while they got some release at the time, did they really end up feeling better in the end? I doubt it. They didn't win at all, they lost me entirely. If things were handled differently I would of moved on with good memories and the satisfaction that we had our time, now I have sadness and pain. I don't think that is what they wanted for me. I like to believe that people are more loving than that.

This man, if he is empathetic at all, knows deep down that you are hurting, that she is hurting, that he has no control over this love of yours and that while he has kept it at bay for the time being, things will never be the same between them again. There is some grief in that as much as change. Love has a way of doing that to people.

He can put a halt to it, but she is changed now because of it. She has some knowledge of him that she didn't know before and needs to process how she feels about that. He is faced with some knowledge about her that he didn't know before that he now has to process. He needs time to do that also... the end result will be a change. There is no avoiding that. He and she could decide that that change is to see how it goes with you becoming a different part of their lives than you have been or it could be that the door is closed to that. What that does to their relationship and to yours with her is yet to be seen.

Yes, I am pretty sure they are overwhelmed with "thinking about it."

Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
I'm sure this is messing with her, too. She's had feelings for me for months and thought I didn't like girls, so I'm sure this is a shock.
yup.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
How can I trust things I've never experienced? I want to but I don't know how.
Yes, I get that... hard to do. I guess I am passing on some wisdom that is to keep in mind as you live your life. I wish I had heard it before. Take it or leave it really. The choice is yours. Use it to remind yourself on when the going gets tough if that works for you.

Example: When I was fresh out of university (23) I feel in love with my first woman. I lived in a small town with my parents and she was still in high school. She was 17. I loved her to bits. I would of died for her back then. I was beside myself with love and devotion.

Her dad found out about us and tried to run me over with his truck. She never spoke to me again and I tried to take my life. I was ruined, alone in a small town and had nothing but a huge student loan debt. I got through it....

Years later when I was married to my wife, I got a letter from her. She had been desperately afraid. Of course she had! I hadn't even thought of it. We started up a long distance conversation by phone and I eventually was compelled to visit her. It nearly destroyed my marriage, but I went. Her and I re-connected in a wild frenzy. I was about 28.

I found out that she was into stuff that I am not and again we had a falling out. I guess I came across as judgmental to her when really I was just concerned and confused that she would want to do stuff like she was doing.

Years later again I found her on FB and we connected again (I was 34). I went to visit her again after a love affair via skype. Again I almost lost my second marriage. Again I was bowled over.... Again it ended in pain. It continues to this day. We are very gentle with each other this time around and have a simple respect that we need to "not do that again."Ha, who knows where its going. I am just glad that we can talk at this point and love her with all my might but not be with her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
This made me cry. I really needed to hear that I'm doing fine. Thank you. I've been trying to take care of myself but sometimes I can only do so well at that.

I feel so confused and just "give yourself a break" is... It's so validating. Thank you.
you're welcome. you ARE doing fine... its just all part of it. *hugs* Welcome to poly, lol.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote