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Old 03-12-2012, 10:45 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

Read this back. Hear what you sound like? To me you sound whiney; like you're stamping your foot and saying, "I don't get to have that and you do. *whine* You're selfish.*whine*" Its not very considerate of his feelings, or hers. Sharing partners doesn't mean you get your way RIGHT NOW. It means having empathy, the ability to see the bigger picture, patience with peoples pace and learning curve, realizing that sometimes, you just don't get what you want.

Everyone has boundaries. This is his boundary. Good for him respecting that of himself. Now I think you should be respectful in return. After all, you are working towards a good metamour relationship just as much as towards a partnership with her. I woulkdnt be skimping on the respect if you want it in return.

If you think of this from a mainstream, non-poly perspective he might be thinking, "who the fuck is this person that they think they can waltz in on my new relationship and demand that they have a partnership just becase they feel all loving and sexy toward my gf." I think he's been kind to even consider it at this point. Cut the man some slack. He's giving what he can at this point.

bingo
Thank you for your bluntness. I appreciate that more than anything else.

"Read this back. Hear what you sound like? To me you sound whiney"

I didn't mean it like that. When I read it again, knowing how I meant it, it's full of desperation, not petulance. I realize why it sounds like whining to an outside observer, and I really don't mean that.

It's not about getting what I want right now. I feel desperate because I need to somehow resolve this or at least take some kind of action soon (even if that is just internal), because this is affecting my life in a very bad way. I'm having trouble sleeping, I've missed a couple of classes, I don't want to eat. Normally I'd be equipped to handle this, but it's all coming on the heels of a lot of emotional stress and I'm just feeling burnt out. I'm in danger of slipping grades and I'm desperate for a resolution as soon as humanly possible.

But I also want to make the best possible decision.

I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling stressed, but I'm just feeling so frustrated. I would feel better if he just wasn't open to non-monogamy at all, or if he wasn't sure if he'd be open to sexuality (rather than just saying no, forever, right now). It seems so contradictory and I can't make sense of it.

I want to decide based on what will make me happy in the long term - without unnecessarily hurting others, of course. I'm afraid that trying something with her would lead to short-term happiness and than a nasty fall back to Earth when he just isn't comfortable with this.

I'd be okay with any solution that relieves this pain as soon as possible. I wish I could go back to thinking we were friends and not anything else. I feel weak that I can't just be friends with her without hurting.

I just want to be sure I'm not making a bad decision. I need help to make a good one.

I do hope I haven't made a bad impression, Pepper. I value anyone who can be this blunt.

I just feel so lost.
__________________
Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future

Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 03-12-2012 at 10:55 PM.
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