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Old 03-12-2012, 08:43 PM
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Tyleet Tyleet is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Scotland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think negotiating boundaries is about understanding what each of you would ultimately consider ideal and, if they are vastly different, then compromising to give up certain points on it, in order to meet in the middle. It isn't about each partner insisting on their way and their way only.
I completely agree, and I hope it didn't come across as if I was trying to get him to do things entirely my way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
For example, perhaps you could both allow for the other to flirt online with someone and even have a casual date or two or three (in the American definition of dating - going out and doing something together to see if there is chemistry) without meeting that person unless your spouse feels it has potential to be more and become a romantic relationship.
I can understand this, the question is where to draw the line past which a meeting is necessary. I feel that if he has been chatting for hours nearly every night and flirting with someone for two or three weeks already before even informing me of this person's existence, that crosses a line of discomfort for me. If I hadn't asked what was going on, I don't know how long it would have taken, if ever, before he told me about her. I don't feel I can live like that, it makes me feel mistrustful.

The difficulty with online interactions, too, is that meeting in person is problematic at best and likely impossible due to distance. But again, if they're spending literally hours at a time together, it doesn't make much difference to me whether they're casual friends, flirting friends or cybersex friends, I want to meet the person who's taking up so much of my husband's time. I'm not asking for veto power, though if I really disapproved of a person for some good reason I would certainly make my feelings known.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
For many poly people, introducing a spouse to someone seems like overkill when one is just getting to know that person and it still hasn't been determined that anything will come of it. And if he doesn't feel the need to get to know anyone you're dating, such a compromise wouldn't beat him over the head with what you're doing but would satisfy your need to keep him informed when things start to develop. Just an idea.
I look at it this way. If he was going out to the pub or something with a male friend, workmate, whatever (he's decidedly hetero -- we both are) and spending as much time with this guy as he does with his one or two online female friends (one of whom is not a proper flirtation by his definition, though it is by mine from what I've seen), I would want to meet that person as well. Not necessarily as a potential partner, but as someone who is important enough to my husband to spend so much time with them.

Does this seem like too much to ask? I'm inquiring seriously. I'm too close to my own feelings and reactions to judge them objectively. Which is why I'm here, I suppose. ;-)
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