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Old 03-12-2012, 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How did you decide which one you wanted to be with first ?... in the example you gave. that's what I meant by primary urge.

I'm confused .."there is no primary urge that is more pressing than the other in the case of me longing for both." You said while longing for lin avoided being intimate with Sward because he wouldn't be able to satisfy that longing. In that specific example wouldn't that be the primary urge?
DH, I think I understand Phy on this. Phy, correct me if I'm wrong on anything. First of all, the most important thing to get out of the way is when Phy said "Punctuation marks are no pack animals" in her response to you, DH, she was referring to how you used four question marks in a row! LOL

Okay, on to other things. Phy said:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
The two aren't always there simultaneously...

Basically, there are three stages of the need for physical expressions of my feelings: exclusively Sward, exclusively Lin, both of them at the same time. Each relationship has it's own dynamic and pace and it isn't the case that when I am in the mood for one I am automatically in the mood for the other as well. Therefore there was no other urge to satisfy during those nights I stayed awake to wait for my feelings to calm down. The possibility of something in the direction of Sward developing afterwards was possible, but not a must.

There is no primary urge that is more pressing than the other(s) in the case of me longing for both. If I am in that kind of state, first come, first served. It's not all the same for me on the one hand, but on the other … it is. As soon as I really get things started with one, the other urge is in some kind of waiting position, without me still noticing.
OK, so sometimes Phy feels a sexual urge for Sward only, sometimes for Lin only, and sometimes for both of them. At those times when she only feels it for one of them, she knows the other will not satisfy that longing, so she avoids being with the one she doesn't feel an urge for. During those times when she desires both of them, it's "first come, first served," "no primary urge," which I take to mean that she doesn't have a preference but availability and circumstance play a part in which one of them she is with first. Maybe it's just not a big deal for her to decide who to be with first, when she wants both of them. It's probably something spontaneous.

Then, whomever she is with at any given time, she is focused and totally with him, so she's not thinking about her urge for one when she is with the other. After being with one of them, the urge for the other will rise up in her if it's one of those times she started out wanting both of them. Or, if she only wanted to be with one from the start, a new urge for the other might suddenly happen, or might not.

In the post where Phy said she felt uncomfortable with one of them knowing she's just been with the other and you, Dinged, said "if it feels bad why do it back to back?" meaning "if it feels bad, why be with one right after you've been with another?" I didn't get the sense that she necessarily felt bad about it, but that she noticed a hesitation to share with Lin any details about her time with Sward, and a sense that she didn't want to hurt anyone by talking about it, and she was questioning why it made her a bit uncomfortable.

So, Phy, I think when you realized that that monogamy still influences you, that is a good thing to be aware of. But it is also a perfectly reasonable and valid choice to manage your two relationships separately, and to respect the intimacy and heartfelt things you share with each of them separately. Just because you are in love and involved with two men who live with you, does not mean that each of them have to have access to all your private thoughts and moments with the other.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
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