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Old 03-12-2012, 09:34 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

From reading your original post, it seems like you have often felt attractions to other people and kept them at bay because you've been monogamous. Then, suddenly, you discover polyamory through this roommate of yours who is now involved with a couple, and it's got your mind going over all these attractions you've felt. So now, you're thinking you have to figure out whether you're polyamorous or not, because, well, if you weren't, would you feel attractions to other people?! Somehow you think feeling attracted to people who are not your partner must mean something!

I don't think you really need to get all twisted up in knots about it. Thing is, human beings naturally feel attractions to different people, and that in and of itself doesn't mean anything. We have brain chemistry, hormones, pheromones, etc., and it's all beyond any cultural categorization we could try to use to explain it. Attractions are just our chemicals responding to someone else's chemicals. We aren't slaves to our chemistry, so we don't have to act on our attractions. But we can just let ourselves enjoy how we feel around those people. Even if we're happily monogamous. So, relax.

Don't think that because you feel attracted to other people that you must "be poly" and can't be in monogamous relationships anymore. What works for your roommate might not work for you or your girlfriend. Now, whether or not you feel open to, able to, and ready for having polyamorous relationships is up to you. Your personality, cultural and familial influences, relationship experience, willingness to step out of societal norms, personal feelings/expectations/attitudes about love, agreements with your SO, ability to handle stress, and how well you can multitask and manage your time, will all influence your ability to "do poly." Many people manage multiple relationships without the need to identify themselves as polyamorous. We are simply making choices in how we approach our relationships.

If you are stressed by life and managing your depression, I would think the best course for you would be to attend to that and try to find some equilibrium in your life, before experimenting with multiple relationships. Perhaps you really would like to live polyamorously down the road someday and could manage it successfully, OR perhaps you're preoccupying yourself with the idea now just to distract yourself from other things that need your attention but you don't really want to look at. Go slowly.

The truth is that the 20s can be a very tumultuous time in one's life because it's all about discovering who you are and your place in society, fucking up and learning from mistakes, and it tends to be a rollercoaster of a decade in most people's lives. The best thing you can do is try to take care of yourself, not let yourself get sucked into dramas, and find ways to feel grounded within yourself. Polyamory is not for the faint of heart, and people who have a sense of self, a strong foundation (psychologically, emotionally, physically, environmentally) in their lives, and healthy self-esteem do much better with polyamory (or any kind of relationship, for that matter) than people who are not willing to look inward at who they are and are all shaky and all over the place about love and sex and treating themselves well. To borrow a phrase from another member here, you want to bring your best self into relationships, so do all you can to cultivate your own wellness in body, mind, and spirit while also being good to the people around you. Good luck with everything.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 03-12-2012 at 09:47 AM.
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