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Old 03-12-2012, 06:37 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 73

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
It feels to me like you're boxing yourself in again. You seem to regret not being able to date/spend time with her the way you could have over the previous months. Why turn down the chance now that you know it's there?

Yes, it sucks that the bf isn't automatically ok with you and she being together sexually (especially since you have been already, but that's just my pov) and might never be ok with it. But sex isn't everything. Since I seriously doubt sex is all you want from her, why not go with the romantic feelings you're both having? Do you really think not being with her at all is better than only being able to be with her in certain ways?

Yes, your feelings might get even stronger, and yes, it might hurt even more later, but as you said, your feelings are already there. You're absolutely right that you can't put them back in the box so it's already going to hurt if you try to cut yourself off from her now and try to transition back to just friends. Why not have some joy with her in the meantime? You never know what the future will bring or what will happen with her and the bf. To go with a cliche: life is short. As long as it brings you overall more happiness than not, I would say take love when/how it's offered.
Oh my gosh. Wow. You're so right!

I guess... neither of us want to start this relationship if it's definitely going to reach a barrier to closeness. Both of us are very very sexual people and tend to enjoy showing our love (with friends and romantic partners) in a physical way. So if we know we can never be sexual, we're going to at some point reach a level of closeness and feel trapped there, and eventually it would become painful.

I suppose if we could negotiate to be allowed to kiss (at least without tongue), I could be very happy in this relationship, at least for a few months while we try to work things out.

I just... I feel pain when I think about being romantic with her and not being allowed to kiss her. I've wanted to kiss her lips again for so many long months that it would be really painful to continue onward like that (and probably more painful than before, now that I've admitted it's not just lust). I also know that in a few months, our relationship would call out for sexual expression.

I think he's boxed himself in, too. He's "certain" that he'd "never" be okay with she and I being sexual. How could he possibly know that? Things change, and people change.

I'm afraid to go into this wanting him to change his mind. But god, I would regret not trying. It sounds like she and I need to have another talk.

Wow, though. You're right. Thank you so much!
Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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