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Old 03-12-2012, 05:43 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 73
Default Giving it a try with a friend who has a mono partner - bad idea?

Recently I posted about someone I thought was a friend - but it turned out she was something different in addition to that.

A week ago I realized I'm biromantic (in addition to bisexual). I had thought I was heteroromantic, but last Saturday I realized, almost out of nowhere, that I'm halfway in love with my closest female friend.

We started as acquaintances (the past two years or so), had sex in October, and became close friends. Then... something romantic.

It hit me like I'd been run over. My train was on the friendship track, and suddenly it jumped to the falling-in-love track. I let my guard completely down because I (unwisely) decided that as a heteroromantic person, women were "safe" because I couldn't fall for them. My life has been changing so fast, and I only recently discovered that I'm poly, even. I feel raw and exhausted.

I told her. I was terrified, but I told her. She returns my feelings! She wants to be with me, too.

Here's where it gets awful.

She said she'd talk to her boyfriend about opening up their relationship.

He's okay with us having a romantic relationship but wouldn't want it to ever be sexual.

Despite them only being together for four months so far, she's very serious about him and him about her (this does concern me, but I'm trying to be supportive of her feelings).

Basically, he's insecure in the relationship. And because of his insecurity, we don't get to be together. Eventually (even months or a year from now) we'd want sexuality, and he'd block it.

You might say he seems conservative, but they had sex on the first date. Really, he's just being insecure and, to my mind, rather selfish.

It's so hard to know she wants to be with me and we can't because she wants to stay with him. I want them to stay together. I'm even okay with secondary status because I'm very busy. I just want to be with her, too.

It kills me that I'm asking so little - I want so little. And yet he's not even considering that his jealousy, his discomfort might be based on irrational beliefs. I asked her to show him the MoreThanTwo website, and she said she'd look it over and show it to him.

So now the question is, what do I do? She wants to be with me, but she's okay with things staying as they are. After all, she's acknowledged to herself her feelings for me for months and even thought of asking me to date her. She didn't ask because she thought I didn't like women (and god, how I regret boxing myself in like that).

But I can't put my feelings back where they came from. Now that they're out, I can't put them away and be friends like we were before.

Do I go away for months or maybe longer, waiting until my feelings go away and I feel okay being her friend?

Do I try a non-sexual romantic relationship with her on a trial basis, for a month or two, while they both learn about polyamory, and check in with him and see how he feels afterward? (I'm certain this would only deepen their connection and not cheapen it, as he worries it would.) Of course, I'd be risking deepening my feelings for her and perhaps (probably) having to break it off anyway.

What should I do?
Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future

Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 03-12-2012 at 05:47 AM.
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