Rainy Saturday Afternoons.....
been thinking a lot about structure within poly. about what might work for us, or if anything at all needs to work for us right now. our lives are all about settling back into just the two of us at present, finding that familiar rhythm and routine, happiness in our time together that seemed to get pushed to the side with the xgf in our lives. It's a lesson in balance for any future relationships/playing - that we need to keep some sacred time for ourselves that isn't given away during nre. That we need to keep that homelife, and romance between us just as healthy and happy as our budding relationships.
have my profile up on okc, and have been getting some emails from some pretty incredible womyn. Am drawn to their femininity, and their incredible breadth of interests and personality; much more my speed. Am reluctant though, on a number of fronts, to pursue anything.
E. isn't wrestling with sexual addiction. maybe some of the tendencies in his life have a certain element of addiction from his past, but nothing sexually addictive about him/our sich. gotta be careful with what you say, all you're ending up doing is alienating him from the boards mags, and given that he wants very much to find allies in his healing process, i think that kind of goes against what every well meaning person here would want for him. Makes me pissed to see him hurt from backhanded comments from peeps on here that don't really know him - want to see him empowered and feeling like he has a safe place to turn for support on here, instead of alienated by judgments and roasts. enough on that though.
For me at present, pursuing anything just seems kinda fucked up. Like, I need a vacation somewhere hot for a few days, books, drinks, no responsibilities (was looking pretty hard for sweet getaways last night, and found some good ones) and just kind of a regrouping. have been so emotionally drained for so long - I can jes' feel that i'm tapped out and ready for rejuvenation. can tell with e. and i's short fuses with each other, and that general feeling of blockage in my throat that i'm ready for a break. Not exactly the ideal time to be dating new peeps.
Big dance party in the city tonight - would be fun - but instead going to couple it up and go to a friend's b-day party, hang out fer a bit and celebrate in our small town. went to a poetry reading today, bargain hunting, renewing insurance. feeling like a couple again despite being stretched thin emotionally. it's rainy out there - the kind of weather that asks for multiple cups of tea and a cozy blanket, a good book or a silly show. the only poly love affair that i really want to have right now is with me, myself and i. that down home comfort food love of self that nobody else can bring to me - that knowing of all things, all places and spaces and parts of my soul that so few fuckin' people ever get to see.
myself. the ultimate date - who always wants to watch the same movies as me, do the same stuff as me, who never gets bored or tired of my company - sure, we don't always get along with ourselves all the time, but the battles are one that we always win in one way or another. ultimate power to shape, change and create ourselves in the images that we have in our hearts and minds; the ways that we can grow inside of ourselves, heal and evolve as humans.
Sometimes poly isn't about loving anyone else except yourself - because where else does the love for others spring from? so much love to give, but for now, i turn it inside of my own heart, and set my eyes on a holiday.