Not much happening right now, life is quiet and good
But as a matter of fact, even though everything got so comfy and such, I still have my little personal issues from time to time.
As I have been really busy with nearly everything, engaged in sports to the point of getting so many sore muscles that I could hardly move (again) and due to 'those days of the month' the intimacy between Sward, Lin and I was kind of reduced to zero regarding the core part. And I really missed that and got a bit frustrated lately. I finally managed to get rid of that state of affairs today and spent some time with Lin and later with Sward. Felt really great afterwards
But both times, first when I came back to Sward to 'invite' him to spend some time with me in the bedroom and later when I returned and woke up Lin, I noticed that I still feel uncomfortable if I think about the fact that both of them probably knew that I just had been with the other. I don't really know why I think of that as so unnerving and why I am so insecure about that.
When I went to wake Lin up he asked “And? What did you do?” He didn't imply anything there, it was just a normal question about nothing specific but my mind worked itself up and I thought about the right thing to answer. Way too long. After some seconds he looked at me and told me that this was so typically me, why I couldn't just leave out the parts that I don't want to talk about and tell him about the rest that went on during that time. Well, except the fact that the TV has been on there wasn't some kind of 'rest' to talk about from my perspective. And as you can imagine by now, I am the worst liar you have ever met or will ever meet … I never thought to come up with something innocuous.
So, why is this still a problem for me? Why do I still feel like I could hurt them when I tell them directly that I have an intimate relationship with the other? Both of them know, none of them seem to have a real problem with that any longer, why do I?
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.