Boyfriend wants a third
This is super new to me, and it has been really eating away at the back corners of my brain lately. I needed an outlet and found this forum while I was searching for some people who could relate.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months now. Not super long, I know, but the last guy I dated was way long term (5 years) and after some time to reflect after a fairly bitter breakup, it gave me some razor sharp focus on what I did and did not want in my next relationship. My current boyfriend meets if not exceeds all of those things, which I'm still kind of getting used to. =P
Anyway, at one point fairly early on in the relationship, he confessed that he was interested in a threesome. I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of including another girl sexually in our relationship. Then he clarified. He basically confessed that he didn't actually mean just for sex. He was talking about another girlfriend. I told him I needed to process it a little. Over the last few months, he has expounded on the subject, saying that he doesn't see a problem with loving more than one person at a time, that our culture is too constrictive on non-traditional relationships. (I don't disagree!) Again, though, I said I was really uncomfortable with the idea of any kind of threesome/third person, though, and so we kind of left it at that.
It has continued to come up every once in a while--but he has never pressed it on me or anything. He has made it perfectly clear that his number one priority is to guard my heart in all this, he doesn't want me getting into something that will end up with me being hurt (long term breakups and such notwithstanding). But it has come up again, the topic always being spawned from vaguely related conversations and never out of the blue.
So, now to the meat of the problem... I'm a pleaser. This is obviously really important to him, and at the very least something he wants to try. My gut reaction at first was no effing way, not a chance, I am too jealous of a person and I don't want to share. But I'm also a logical person who wants my boyfriend to be happy. I sat down with myself and worked through, over time, why I felt that way. A lot of it had to do with a cheating ex (and a lot of other negative results of dating that guy). Once I cleared out all the bad mojo, I could think more with more of a level-head about it.
I've come to the tentative conclusion that, if I was totally in control of looking for a third, getting to know her, forming a bond of trust with her first, before my boyfriend gets involved, I could maybe see that working. I would even go so far as to say I'm even intrigued by the idea. It would circumvent a lot of the issues I would have with the idea of bringing in a third person to our relationship.
This might sound a little convoluted, but I think it explains how I feel best. Him being in control of the search makes me feel like the third girl is *his* girl that we are both involved with. I'm comfortable with the idea of her being *my* girl that we are both involved with. If he picked out a girl and asked me if I approved, I would feel like I was being asked to share my position of being his girlfriend, whereas if I picked the girl and introduced them, I would feel like I was letting/asking her share in my role. My choice first, his approval second, instead of his approval first, my choice second.
He's not comfortable with this idea. He's very dominant, and he wants very much to be the hunter/pursuer/call-it-what-you-will in his relationship(s). I am severely uncomfortable with this idea as I'm the one who would be giving up the exclusivity of this relationship. If it's going to work, I strongly feel that I need to have control over who we bring in, which directly conflicts with his desire to pick the girl and get my approval. If he picks, I will have trust issues with the girl. If I pick, I won't, because I picked her.
On a side note, I'm a little concerned that it won't work out well because we are both straight. I can't imagine ever being strongly sexually attracted to another girl, and I know that a standard perception of a trigonomous relationship is that there is one straight and two bi partners. I feel like, due to my being straight, I would just end up one end of a V, and I would absolutely not be okay with that.
Again, just as a reminder, my boyfriend is not pressing this on me in any way. We're trying to figure out if it's a possibility, and he's ready to drop the thing (albeit with some disappointment, but that's to be expected) if I'm just not comfortable with it. Heck, as it is, we're both so picky about who we date that we jokingly point out that there's probably not a girl in the world who would meet all of both our qualifications.