Thread: Musings
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Old 03-09-2012, 09:57 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Thanks for this question, NovemberRain. I've been thinking about it all day.
oh good, I was a little worried... Sorry for my late response, I've been outta town.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
I think that structure is unworkable for me because I think it encourages me to think and behave in ways that are bad for me.
I can understand that. I still think it's too much emphasis on the structure. I've had four relationships in which I lived with my partner (two women and two men) and many more that I would call significant, and hella more that were not as significant. One partner I lived with was emotionally abusive and encouraged cutting me off. I resisted mostly, but I didn't have a huge, intimate support structure to start with. I still find remnants of that abuse that I have to deal with. Physical abuse is much easier to recognize and overcome than the insidious emotional stuff.

And I'm hearing you, he was wonderful and it was easy for you to drop it.

I still say, not the structure but the people (you and him). And good on ya for working on yourself.

Also good on ya for finding other structures. Lord knows, I'm not a cheerleader trying to push into any societal model. I LOVE how poly people get to invent whatever works.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
So - I grew up feeling like an outsider in my family. And feeling like an outsider with friends too (I was heavily involved in several sports and am not terribly sporty!) As an outsider I would sometimes feel not welcome, I'd sometimes isolate myself from friends etc.

When my ex and I were together, I was never an outsider. He loved me so much and we were very close. So I stopped making efforts with other people. When he found it difficult for me to have close friendships, I let them go (and it was easy to do so because I never felt like I was important to those people).

Now I know and feel differently. But. But. But. I have spent more than three quarters of my life feeling like an unimportant outsider and however much I now understand that those feelings were not necessary, I know that they lurk within me still.

Of course they do - they are far more familiar to me than my feelings of being loved, wanted and included.
I'm so glad that you know and feel differently. I can totally relate. I remember like it was an hour ago, the first moment I remember realizing I was no longer an outsider. It still makes me all verklempt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
I'm just wary of replicating a situation that encouraged that way of thinking - and I feel that having somebody who I live with and who is a life partner might encourage that way of thinking. Maybe in time when I've had more time to practise feeling loved and wanted, I'll feel differently but right now I wouldn't want to take the risk.
That I totally understand. I keep talking to my teachers and loved ones about practicing feeling loved and wanted; practicing receiving what they have to give. They're not quite understanding what I'm saying. You've helped me with this. Practice is FUN!

Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Thank you - I think I've had that inside waiting to come out for some time. IP
This is a terrific thread. Thanks so much for sharing yourself.
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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