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Old 03-09-2012, 08:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I do think it's harder for me than it is for her. She is going to bed with someone and waking up with someone and kissing and holding hands and hugging. I haven't had any affection all week. I am typically categorized as the female in our relationship because I am very needy and respond to touch. She prefers to be left alone. That she is with someone isn't my issue. That I have gone two days without saying I love you out loud or holding her is. But I'm a big boy and I haven't always been married so I know how to cope. I have no doubt that this is incredibly difficult for her as well but I think it's very silly to think the person that is in an amazing new place with a new friend and seeing touristy stuff is as equally lonely. If I were the one gone I would totally expect her to be the more upset of the two of us.
Well, sure, it makes perfect sense that she wouldn't be "equally as lonely" as you, or feeling "more upset" than you if she's away with a new lover and having a good time. However, she isn't just away on a vacation by herself or with friends. My point was that, surely, every moment she is there, she is feeling the emotional impact of having crossed a line from monogamy to something else, and is processing emotions, coming up with questions, and doing some "heavy lifting" herself in handling the fact that the dynamics of your marriage have changed. It's so easy for other people to see the situation as one spouse off having fun and the other left home to look at four walls and cry. I was simply acknowledging that both of you are dealing with a radical shift in your relationship, but of course from your unique perspectives.

I do think you are handling this well, but I agree with Anneintherain that you don't have to bite your lip and keep yourself from asking for a daily check-in and the chance to say "I love you." Just because she's on vacation, doesn't mean she's somewhere in a vacuum and shouldn't be disturbed. If texting is enough for you, good, but if you feel you need more, ask for it.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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