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Old 03-09-2012, 02:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyskies View Post
I need to speak to him more about this and how that can sit in our relationship in a way that is okay to us both. I also need to really find out how he identifies rather than rely on my observations & assumptions.
Yes, Sunny, you need to talk to him, but also be aware that he may not identify as either poly or mono; many people view that aspect of relationship as just a structure, not an identity. That being said, he does sound like someone very much into monogamy. It is possible to have a poly/mono arrangement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyskies View Post
I need to deal with and discuss with him the fact that I'll be investing more with him than anyone else I love. As i've said, I don't ever want to hurt anyone and that includes anyone who I might become involved with.
Yes, it would behoove you to discuss this as soon as possible, while the relationship is still somewhat new and getting established. It will make it very hard if you two become joined at the hip in monogamy before you pipe up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyskies View Post
I feel guilty. I am already investing a huge amount of time/effort in family relationships as well as my studies. I also spend some time socialising with his lovely housemates & my friends (my first real proper ones in ages). This takes away from the Cuddler - it pains him when we're apart as it does me & I wouldn't want to add to that any more. I know that I definitely would not want to persue anyone if it did. I have already committed to caring for a family member in future and as I've said I want (need) kids, I also want to work/volunteer/have time for crafting - those things will be pressures on my energies too. The Cuddler knows this and accepts/supports it so the least I can do is negotiate this in a way he's completely comfortable with, and that is fair to the kids - I want to be very hands on! I feel like I'm already asking more than enough!!!
This is a red flag to me. Socializing with friends and making time for family and our passions shouldn't be something that our loved ones hurt themselves with. And I put it that way because you do not hurt him by having other people in your life; any hurt he feels is his own doing. If I were you, I would be very cautious about moving into more serious, deeper commitments and a living situation with him, if he has a hard time with you making choices that support you as an individual and being more than an appendage of him. This could be an early warning sign of someone who is co-dependent or possessive in relationships and doesn't bode well for being okay with polyamory.

People get so afraid to talk about things that are important to them, but so many issues and problems in relationships can simply be handled and resolved with communication. You need to get straight with him tout de suite.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-09-2012 at 02:36 PM.
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