Hah, writing stuff down certainly helps me get my head straight - should have done this months ago.
Came to the realisation that essentially all my worries stem from 4 things:
1) The Cuddler is 100% the love of my life, he is the man I will have a family with and he takes precendence. I need to pluck up the courage to tell him the extent of my feelings for the Rock - not having done so is making me anxious.
2) I am polyamorous and it is vital to me that I do not cause any hurt to anyone (especially the Cuddler) if I persue this. I need to speak to him more about this and how that can sit in our relationship in a way that is okay to us both. I also need to really find out how he identifies rather than rely on my observations & assumptions.
3) I need to deal with and discuss with him the fact that I'll be investing more with him than anyone else I love. As i've said, I don't ever want to hurt anyone and that includes anyone who I might become involved with.
4) I feel guilty. I am already investing a huge amount of time/effort in family relationships as well as my studies. I also spend some time socialising with his lovely housemates & my friends (my first real proper ones in ages). This takes away from the Cuddler - it pains him when we're apart as it does me & I wouldn't want to add to that any more. I know that I definitely would not want to persue anyone if it did. I have already committed to caring for a family member in future and as I've said I want (need) kids, I also want to work/volunteer/have time for crafting - those things will be pressures on my energies too. The Cuddler knows this and accepts/supports it so the least I can do is negotiate this in a way he's completely comfortable with, and that is fair to the kids - I want to be very hands on! I feel like I'm already asking more than enough!!!
I am in fact doing no 3) and 4) now; the Geek and the Rock both have a strong place in my heart but I am investing nothing in terms of time/energy in those relationships at the moment, and as much as I possibly can with the Cuddler.