It's been a long time, so I thought I'd do some writing...
Things have changed on some fronts.
I am now in a serious relationship with the Cuddler. Things are wonderful!
I met up with the Geek a while ago which was really nice - a lot less awkward than I feared. I am more comfortable loving him silently from a distance. I miss him deeply, but I can now accept the situation much better than I did before.
I still feel the same about the Rock. He mentioned polyamory/nonmonogamy (i forget the precise term) a couple of times, which threw me. I said I had similar thoughts myself but given that this was in work time we didn't go into it any more than that.
I seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall however. The Cuddler knows that I am bicurious and polycurious (i use these terms because everything is as yet internal, I have not acted upon these desires). He repeatedly tells me that I am everything he desires. I feel guilty that despite loving him so completely and deeply I still would like to pursue my desires. I need to talk about these feelings with him more, but am scared to.
I keep justifying my silence with the 'it's not the right time' argument. I also know that there's no way I have time to have more than one relationship right now, I barely have time for 1! I suppose this makes me feel that it's okay not to have discussed things fully, as they don't really apply right now. If I'm not careful though I'll have kept schtum for too long and end up hurting him...
I guess I also have fears that I won't be able to find anyone with whom I would want a relationship when the time is right. I also worry about the future in terms of having children - whether my desires are compatible with the Cuddlers.
How the bloody hell do I muster up the courage to discuss all this, since it's so glaringly obvious that it's what's needed?