Thanks for the outside viewpoints. Much appreciated.
I was *finally* able to start a dialog with her, albeit through slow online messages rather than in person. Feeling better, or starting to. So far she says "pretty much he will go for whatever you want" and she in content as long as he makes time for her and his chores at their house do not go neglected.
So much more I want to clarify directly with her.
She knows about our level of commitment, and has voiced no concerns about our planning a hand-fasting next year.
Last fall I attempted to break up over open vs in the closet. I am open. They had been in in the closet with everyone since embracing poly about 4 years ago... it was a big concern of his.. who might see us together and talk. She was the one to intervene and keep us together. Since then they have come out to the (adult) children and select friends. I am comfortable with the couple groups of folks they would like to avoid confrontations with over their lifestyle choice and why they choose to do so.
As far as the fluid bonding goes, if she balks at condoms unless regularly tested negative.. I am willing to go back to using them. Actually, our emotional connection is much more important to me than any physical. S and I elected to bond until this is clarified through her as they have very little physical interaction while he and I are very active, for the sexual health of myself and him, and for the financial sense it makes. He has ED issues, and before we bonded did get pharmaceutical help to make condoms usable for us. Frankly I could care less if Mr Happy functioned fully as I am deeply satiated even without.
No, I wouldn't like it if he communicated with me as he does with her. He has learned not to hold back and sugar coat with me. I prefer to address things before they become issues. He knows my feelings on their level of communication, and does not try to prevent me from having contact with her or bar any issues form the table when I am able to get her to communicate. They have been married over two decades; established communication styles are difficult to change, and may never be as open between the two as I personally like in own primary relationships.