This is the e-mail exchange between myself and the secondary...It sucks because I don't want him to leave, but I really think it'd be best for him. But, I also shouldn't be dictating that to him. He's a big boy (37 this year; husband is 47; and I'm 34). And, here again, I'm feeling badly about posting all this because, really, you guys and gals don't know me from a brick in the road...why would you even care? *sigh* Sorry.
I am having difficulty believing you love me as much as you say. I know it's stupid and silly, but... it's a big deal to me. I'm the same person with you that I am with [the Husband] ... but... you...I just don't understand how you can *not* react to me in the same way he does...how you can *not* be upset with me...how you can *not* yell at me... I've got to be the most miserable person in the world and I know one of my biggest fears is hurting you...but, another is totally ruining your life by being in it. I really don't know what to do. I'm not saying I'm severing ties with you; I'm not saying I'm breaking up with you; I'm not even saying I'm not going to spend as much time with you... I'm just saying I think I'm the biggest mistake you'll ever make in your life and I'm giving you the opportunity to walk away. No questions asked. No hurt feelings. I want you happy.
My love...the only explanation I can give you as to why I react differently then [the Husband] is simply that I am not him. I know you think horrible things about yourself but I just don't see them. I see a beautiful person that I love spending time with. Whether that is in person or through a computer screen, I cherish every moment.
I don't know what's got you so down on yourself today but know that I love you. We can talk about this more after work if you want. And if Ivan do or say anything to help you, please know you only have to ask.
Please, let's talk about this. I don't want you to hurt...
How can I *not* be? Self-realization, I suppose... I'm more work than I'm worth. I've heard that phrase enough in my life....finally starting to think it's true.
Nothing that I think will make me happy ever happens....and, if it does, there's usually so much negativity surrounding it, I become resentful. I'm terrified that it'll happen with you. I want you in my life *so much*....but, I'm scared at the price I'll likely have to pay to have you....which means no matter how wonderful things become....there will always be a sadness around it.... and that hurts me like you wouldn't believe. You leaving hurts to think about, but you staying also carries some degree of anxiety and mental overhead... I *want* to be wrapped in your arms, but I'm afraid to be. I need both you and [the Husband] and I know it's hard to understand .... probably even difficult to deal with.
....which is why I said, I'm giving you the opportunity to walk away....into a better life...into a woman who's worthy of you. I'll cry, I'll say goodbye....and I will continue to love you, but you'd have to promise me you'd be happy. I just simply don't deserve someone as amazing as you. Not with as screwed up as I am. It doesn't stop me from wanting you, though...
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." ~Susan B. Anthony