Helpless, Hopeless, and Alone
Warning: This posting is highly emotional; these are the current feelings of the author. Please do not be offended or judgmental.
I don't really know where else to post this. I don't really have friends I can talk to--well, that's not true; I do, I just feel like I'm bothering them.
I come into things late. I never knew what masturbation was until I was 21...and it was after my boyfriend at that time had gotten me off a few times and I said I would recreate that feeling by mimicking what he did to me (Yeah, I'm pretty dumb, I guess). After nearly 6 years of marriage, I'm finding that there is a word for me...and it's not "slut" like I've been taught all my life... it's "Polyamorous."
...but is it really?
What if the word for me really is just "slut"? My husband is mono....wholly and unequivocally mono. I've had two partners since we've been married--one I forced on him (his words); the other he chose (his words). In the first case, the guy was way wrong. Yes, I was at fault for that... The husband and I talked about it before I'd gone to visit and established boundaries, but I broke them in the heat of the moment.
However, with this new relationship, I'm having conversat--no, fights--with the husband that have phrases such as, "I was going to give you X, but I've changed my mind..." (i.e., I was going to let [the secondary] spend the night with just you, but I've changed my mind). He'll pull that out in the midst of a fight--and it's not something he's mentioned previously to me as even a possibility. I've also been hearing phrases like, "You have 30 seconds to decide if we're still married." I've not broken any of the rules or violated any trusts or anything... and yet, I'm being told that we're done...well, threatened.
The husband knows I can't live on my own, currently. I work part time and have 3 cats. I can't afford an apartment on my own. I don't have my own, working, car. I go to school part time. My only option would be to have the secondary fly me to Edmonton where he lives (and I really don't want to live in Canada...at least not Edmonton).
Here's where it gets tricky. I feel so completely worthless that I feel like I'd be a drain on the secondary--much like I seem to be on the husband. I feel like I'm the most miserable person in the world--because nothing I want ever happens, or, if it does, there so much negativity surrounding it that it becomes a point of regret and sadness. I'm a strong person, but I can feel myself breaking.
My husband is a sex fiend. I am not; neither is my secondary. I do my best to keep my husband happy, but I simply cannot have sex 5 days a week, 2 or 3 times a day. I feel defeated. I feel helpless. I even e-mailed my secondary to tell him I was giving him the opportunity to walk away from me and find someone worth loving. Because I'm not it. He believes differently.
I'm just so lost right now. I love both men. I feel complete with two lovers; I feel loved, protected, cared for... except, ya know, when the husband starts into one of his rants.
But, maybe he's right. Maybe I really am that bad of a person. I don't do the dishes every day--or even every week; I am perpetually messy. I'm not a sex maven; I don't contribute to the household in any real way... I do the laundry once a week or so...I do pay the bills when I get paid...I try to produce songs in the hopes someone, somewhere will hear it and actually give me a chance...
Sorry for the long, rambling, depressing post. I just needed to get everything out...and I think I did. Mostly.
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." ~Susan B. Anthony