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Old 03-06-2012, 05:15 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Ok, things are looking up. He gave me a written explanation and apology, and I can see his point of view better now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, why didn't he say, "Hey, wait for me" if it was so important to him?
Exactly. He says I simply walked away without giving him that chance, but I only went a few feet away so nothing was stopping him. I think he's so conflict-averse he tries to just suck it up when things bother him, until they get to the boiling point. Unfortunately my reaction to this whole thing has made him resolve to hide his disappointment in the future rather than risk upsetting me. Not really what I want, either!

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
He may just have felt that it looked bad more than he felt dissed by you. Perhaps he didn't want anyone to think you'd pick someone else to dance with instead of your husband, who should come first in all matters, and especially when anyone is looking.
This seems to be a huge part of it. He doesn't want to be made to look bad. This is why he could stomach me spending nights naked in C's bed, but not dancing with C at 11:45 New Year's Eve.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
He has come a long way from where he was in his thinking, you've both done a lot of work on the relationship, negotiating agreements with each other, communicating better, but it isn't always going to be perfectly smooth-sailing all the time.
Thanks. I do need to keep some perspective. I think what really got me going is that this felt so out of the blue to me. It makes it hard to see the path forward when the obstacles pop up suddenly in completely unexpected places.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lemondrop View Post
Perhaps the two of you can find an activity that *doesn't* cause strife, that you do as a couple with the intent of spending the time focusing on each other and no one else. Maybe being the center of your attention for a certain amount of time would help him feel less needy of your attention the rest of the time.
Good advice, lemondrop, and thanks for chiming in even without spending a week reading up on my story! I think I was making some efforts in this direction, and that was helping, but then I also think what he needs more than, say, lazy Sunday mornings in bed with the paper, is to go out in public and have me devote my attention to him in front of other people. Or maybe it's in front of certain people? There's definitely some need that has to do with public perception of our marriage, which feels ridiculous to me but is obviously important to him.

So, last night we got a babysitter and went out dancing together. On the way there I asked him what his specific expectations were for the night. He said he'd like to dance our first and last dances of the evening together, and that he'd ask me now and then in between. Funny thing is, when we got there he said to go ahead without him while he used the men's room, so I danced with someone else. And after our last dance together, when I was too tired to dance more, he still had energy so I encouraged him to do one more with someone else, which I thoroughly enjoyed watching. Even more funny was the dance he did with a favorite partner of mine, a man I'd been in a mutual crush situation with last spring ("D"), who my husband harbors a lot of ill feeling towards as a result. But D went up and asked him, and he was too polite to refuse, and boy did I get a kick out of watching them together! Ha ha. There were extra men so I got to see him dance with men a couple of times, which tickles me.

We only had one therapy session, and realized we needed to choose a different person to get insurance coverage, and then things were feeling so good we decided not to make an appointment with the new person until we felt like we had things to work on again. Meanwhile I'm planning to start individual therapy for help with anxiety and work stress, and I'm sure I can sort out relationship struggles there too, and maybe bring him with me on occasion.

All in all I'm feeling pretty positive about things again. Until the next hiccup!
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Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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