I had a bit of a revelation today. I was writing earlier about my previous romantic relationships and looking for patterns but I wonder now if that was the wrong place to look.
While I've had a reasonable number of relationships that involve sex and romance, those have tended on the whole not to be significant in my life - because of timing, other interests etc.
Where I have felt real security has tended to be among groups of friends. A sports club I am in was at one time the source of a very close group of friends - we mostly socialised with each other. At one point this group mixed with a very close platonic female friend of mine. At that time, I felt utterly safe, secure and included.
Same happened during at least one of my summer jobs (one in particular springs to mind). Living and working with a group of people - many of whom became very close friends. Again, much feeling safe, secure and at the centre of things.
Latterly, I have also developed very close platonic friendships with people who are part of other, wider groups that I hang around with.
For me, feeling safe I think means having a very close group around me. And I think that might be a bit of a contributor to my current anxiety. At the moment, I have several close friends who I make time to see but a lot of the time, I see them individually (most of them know each other but time and different interests makes it hard for them to get together).
And of course, my SO, is fulfilling the role that in my life would usually be fulfilled by a close, platonic friend.
I wonder if other than the fact that bereavement usually triggers anxiety in me, that is being furthered because the overall setup of my life just now is just a bit out of my comfort zone. This is not a bad thing by any means but I think it's just a bit of a stretch for me. Maybe. Will think more on this.