Midnight Ramblings - STDs, communication
Forgive an incoherent midnight rambling...
Feeling like I need to start relationship counseling to sort through my insecurities....
Background: I a monogamish poly in an essentially monogamous relationship. My only intimate partner "S" is married and has two partners (me & his wife), my "wife-in-law" has multiple partners. I have been the hinge in Vee relationships with mono men prior (essentially, reality would take too long).
I feel like I need to put their relationship first before my own needs, and an insecure that if they ever break up that my guilt that I will have caused or escalated issues and do not think I could survive that with my part of the relationship intact.
S says they have a strong marriage. I believe he believes that; she is unwilling to talk to me so I do not have opportunity to ask her about *any* of my concerns.. hence feeling like I am pushing issues that might not otherwise come to a head.
I am STD risk averse, having taught prevention courses & treated many who failed to follow them. S and I are fluid bonded. S has agreed to biannual testing. She still has not gone. S had not had relations with her since we fluid bonded. I believe he avoids it so he does not have to address the fluid bonding with me/testing issue and confrontation that will arise when he insists on condom use with her. Ideally, I would like to see neg test papers on all my extended sexual partners - as far out as her OSOs, or at least see her results regularly and have my own knowledge that safer sex practices are adhered to (better than just second hand that he says she says she does) and that she understands what good safer sex practices are (he didn't even have knowledge of dental dams for oral.)
S and I are making plans for a commitment ceremony later next year, and we would like to eventually/ideally see a co-housing arrangement. She knows about the ceremony plans and he says she's not freaked about that or my plans to take his name... but has no idea if she might even be open to co-housing.
He has agreed that if I ever hit a big lottery jackpot we can have a child together. I'm sure that never came up in conversation. Yeah, the odds are against it ever happening.. but a peri-menopausal woman can dream, and buy an occasional ticket.
Enough rambling for one night.. work in the morning, thus sleep beckons me.