Making new connections before a major surgery
I am having surgery in a few months. It will have a profound effect (at least I hope so) on my physical appearance even though that is not the primary reason for having it.
Okay, I see I cannot start this in the middle. It requires some background.
Due to a difficult pregnancy and birth, I have what is called diastasis recti. Simply put, my abdominal muscles separated during pregnancy (very common) but instead of knitting back together over the 4 years since my daughter's birth, they have separated even more. I have a very severe case that can only be corrected with surgery.
Two primary doctors and four surgeons later, I am finally getting it done May 31. The medical reasons for surgery are diverse. My muscles are not where they should be and are also weaker than they should be, so it effects posture, lifting and even breathing in certain positions. The aesthetic reasons are more straight-forward. I look like I am 5 months pregnant and I can't wear normal pants. I hide it as best I can, but I am extremely self-conscious about it.
How does this have ANYTHING to do with polyamory? Well, as you can guess it makes intimacy dicey. I met a few people at a poly mixer this weekend, and there is a definite possibility of it developing into a physical relationship. The neurotic voice in my head was screaming "I won't look like this much longer!"
These people, a man and woman, both came on to me. So, they must not think I look hideous as I am right now. I'd like to explore this. But I am so scared and so very ashamed of my "deformity." They have not seen me naked yet and I honestly don't know if I can let that happen. My husband is the only one (other than doctors obviously) who has seen me naked since this problem developed.
I don't know what I am going to do. I don't want them to think I am rejecting their advances if I shy away from sexual contact. But I can hardly say "hey, just hang on a few months until I'm healed from my surgery and then we can play" without putting a spotlight on the very problem which I try so hard to disguise. Not to mention, I don't actually WANT to wait 6 months before I can enjoy being with them.
Adding insult to injury, they are both very fit people, so when I think about us 3 being together I start hearing that Sesame Street jingle "one of these things in not like the others..."