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Old 03-06-2012, 04:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
A little more discussion and he says it's not that I went back to that partner at the end, but that I started with someone else in the first place, rather than sitting with him while he finished eating. He says most couples would have waited out together.
Well, why didn't he say, "Hey, wait for me" if it was so important to him? Once again he expects you to be a mind reader and accuses you of selfishness and being uncaring for not knowing his thought process, when he could have made it all so clear by stating his feelings or needs in the moment. I would find that exasperating and utterly exhausting. I do also see some sense of entitlement and possessiveness on his part, because he feels married people have certain roles to fulfill, especially in public. He may just have felt that it looked bad more than he felt dissed by you. Perhaps he didn't want anyone to think you'd pick someone else to dance with instead of your husband, who should come first in all matters, and especially when anyone is looking.

Did you two ever continue with further counseling? You both have different systems of logic, so he needs to learn how to speak up more -- instead of making these blanket statements about what "most couples" or a properly attentive wife should automatically know and do.

I also think you would do well not to let yourself feel so discouraged whenever there is another bump in the road. Sometimes relationships are like that: a few steps forward, a step back, a few steps forward, a step back -- but you're still moving forward! He has come a long way from where he was in his thinking, you've both done a lot of work on the relationship, negotiating agreements with each other, communicating better, but it isn't always going to be perfectly smooth-sailing all the time. Just don't think that if he gets upset again that everything has been for nought.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 03-06-2012 at 05:57 AM.
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