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Old 03-05-2012, 05:37 PM
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RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 239
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Welcome to the site and congrats on being able to handle this so well. I know it isn't easy for everyone, and I'm sorry you had to get hurt in the process! I'm glad to hear that things are more stable now and I am impressed with your openness towards this new way of thinking.
There's been many threads here and there on gay male polys who have posted, and I've often commented on some. Feel free to look them up...they are all quite insightful.
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Originally Posted by Octovus View Post
Amazingly (or not?), so many of our friends have similar experiences, and all are understanding. I think, perhaps, being an out gay male helps with this; most of those who would harshly judge the move to polyamory have ALREADY left me (or I've left them behind) due to my sexuality.
Well that's lucky....where I come from, some of the gays can be just as judgmental towards polys as straight folks can be! So kudos on that.

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Part of me does wonder whether I personally will ever feel (that kind of) love with another 3rd etc. person; part of me does wonder if I am more monogamous, and G more poly; part of me wonders if that matters; I think not, so long as I remain open and true to myself going forwards.
Very astute. There's no rush to make up your mind--the possibilities are endless. Just so long as he knows that what's good for the goose is good for the gander----you have every right to fall in love with a secondary partner as he has. Do not ever deny yourself to enjoy what he gets to enjoy.


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Where we are now: G spends nights with N, one or two a week, and daytime whenever he wants (I work days, G works some evenings). It fits. We sometimes spend time together - that bit is platonic, not sexual, though G has expressed (to me often, to N from time to time) that he would like sexual situations involving the 3 of us.
We're figuring out what the 3rd really wants. N, clearly, is the one who needs to figure that out.
I know we must go at the pace of the slowest partner.
At this point, N is not even sure if he wants at the poly situation, AT ALL - if he can handle it. Still thinks of himself as very monogamous.
This is a very important point moving forward. I would caution it's never a good idea to force a Vee to evolve into a Triad. If the two metamours naturally develop a loving relationship, great, but if not, just don't force it. Obviously, you want to be on friendly terms but I have been in a similar situation as you where my partner, the hinge of the vee, pressured me into having a relationship with the other partner that just didn't come naturally. Reallly....really...bad idea!
BUT....if you and N end up naturally developing a relationship, then awesome!

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What we need next: N's input, reaction to the rules, feelings. Is this what he wants? G intends to give N a clear timeline for an "update", a big conversation (he'll use words N will understand, that will not intimidate him) shortly.
Right now, the uncertainty about what N wants is placing a strain on G and I. I know N will not be 100% OK all the time, we all have swings up and down. What we need to know is that THIS is what N wants, here, now.

I hope it is what N wants. That would make both G and I very happy. We'd love to see this relationship evolve.

If it's not what N wants, that's fine. That would be hard for G (and me, though less so). Yet, it would be much better than staying in a false relationship with N.
True, you need to know where everyone stands but don't put that timeline pressure too rough. Give him ample time to mull it over. And give yourselves ample time to make sure you're committing to something you can embrace and succeed at.
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Just Rob now. That's all. .


In North Carolina? Check out: facebook.com/ncPoly
In Raleigh/Durham? Check out www.meetup.com/TrianglePolyamory
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