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Old 03-05-2012, 05:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,417

Originally Posted by genebean View Post
I am 21 and have just recently gotten into poly and quite honestly it scares me... I love the idea of connecting intimately with different people but the practice is difficult. Even more difficult is the idea of my boyfriend doing the same... I feel a little replaceable... It has only been about 2 or 3 months since we made this decision and I feel rushed. I have a hard time with my self esteem and I realize that this is a big part of it and I'm not sure how to push my boundaries without sacrificing myself. I am not sure if I should tell him to go do what he wants and I'll deal with it but I refuse to be the martyr in the situation. It would hurt me.
Don't agree to poly if you don't want to! You should never feel coerced or rushed into something that makes you uncomfortable or erodes at your self-esteem. Some couples take a year or two discussing how to live polyamorously before they actually embark on it. It may never be something for you, and that's okay. You don't have to feel obligated to just go along with it.

DON'T force yourself into being with other people sexually when you know you don't really want to (by the way, is your bf only okay with you being with women or will he accept you being with men, too?).

Don't think that, if you do say "okay" to polyamory, that means you both have to jump right in bed with someone else. Poly is about relationships, not sex. You can also remain monogamous and accept that he is poly. There are lots of people who succeed in poly/mono arrangements.

Keep talking about it and set boundaries for yourself before proceeding. Figure out what boundaries are important to you. Each of you should do that, and from there you negotiate and see what compromises you are willing to accept. Setting personal boundaries are not about delivering ultimatums or making rules. It's about saying what's comfortable for you and knowing that if your bf doesn't respect those boundaries, you then have a choice to make about whether to stay in the relationship or not. The choice is always there to walk away if he insists on something you can't live with.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 03-05-2012 at 06:15 AM.
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