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Old 03-05-2012, 04:14 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default Jealousy? Entitlement?

Ach, it's happened again! I had that fateful New Year's Eve dance, shortly after my husband and I first opened up our relationship to allow some physical intimacy with my other beloveds. I danced with C for the second-to-last dance before midnight, and when I found my husband for the last dance, found him angry that I had not saved him both dances. Weeks of tension and arguments ensued (see my previous thread) but after much work we reached a happy space again, including reopening my intimacy with C to the point of my spending a whole weekend with him.

Today, my husband and I were nearing the end of a 3 day dance workshop. At each 1 or 2 hour session, the instructor would ask people to rotate partners several times, but at the end and sometimes in the middle he would say, "Go back to your original partner from the start of this session." At our lunch break today my husband got restaurant take out and I ate at home (another point of contention between us) so he didn't have time to eat before the afternoon session started. I sat with him at the side of the hall while he started eating, then found a partner when the workshop began. He joined the class after 10 minutes or so, with someone else. We danced together during partner rotations, but when the instructor told us to return to our original partner for the last minute or so of class, I returned to the man I had started that session with.

Well, my husband thought I was not being considerate of his feelings. He said I should have told him to expect that I wouldn't dance that minute with him. As with any change of partners, there are always a couple of people who don't find partners immediately, and they raise hands and find each other, so my husband had someone to dance with. And it was only the last bit of practice for that session, before a short break and another session. Unlike New Year's Eve, there was really no sentimental attachment to that moment, in my view. In his view, I was apparently thinking only of myself, not of him. (I did make eye contact to indicate that I was with my original partner, when I saw him approaching me, so it's not like I ignored him.)

I don't understand it. After New Year's Eve, I concluded that the deeper issue was my intimacy and feelings for C, not the second-to-last dance. In this case, this other dance partner was a man whose name I didn't even know -just a random man in the class. I don't think my husband could have been jealous of this guy. And he didn't seem to have any problem all weekend with anyone I danced with, even the ones I dramatically flirt with on the dance floor (for the fun of it; these guys know it's all in fun). I'm left feeling like he has some sense of entitlement to me, and I hate that. I've asked him to start going out dancing without me so he stops thinking he needs me to make him complete in any way, as a dancer. I feel so much anger over this, and I'm not really sure why. All I can think is that it's because I've been working so hard to look out for his feelings through my whole poly journey, only to feel accused of wrongdoing for something that in my mind was not only not wrong, but was the only thing any woman would have done in the same situation.

Does anyone have any insights on a) why my husband had such a strong reaction to my dancing with someone else at the end of the session, or b) why his reaction makes me so angry?
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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