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Old 03-03-2012, 10:20 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,204
Default Parallels.

I am feeling your pain here. A lot of what you write here reminds me of events that occurred during the most painful period of my life (and poly) journey. At the time I was devastated (and, yes, numb), my husband was depressed and I feared we were on the road to divorce (or a long unhappy resentful marriage). On the other hand, those same events (which occurred 18 mos ago) eventually led me to where I am right now - cozily living my poly dream with my husband and and his best friend, and so happy...so life does sometimes turn out better then a person has any reasonable right to expect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
He told me that he was okay with my feelings, as long as I kept the relationship with his best friend (at this point, our best friend) on a strictly-friendly basis.
This is a conversation that we had...this is something that I failed at.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
What happened is that around a month ago I was going through a rough patch with my boyfriend. There are many things in our lives in which we are different, and I was feeling sad and neglected. I was having a lot more fun spending time with our best friend than with my own boyfriend.
MrS and I were stressed from a big move and the financial burden it put us under. Our sex life was lacking some spark. MrS had already heard all my jokes and stories and ponderings ... And here I had a new audience who thought I was witty and intelligent - we'd stay up until the wee hours talking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
I went to the internet for advice, and ended up in the polyamory sites, because those don't make me feel like I'm some sort of monster because of my feelings.
You are NOT a monster because of your feelings (I feel the need to re-iterate this because it seems as though you might be in a place where you lose sight of it). Feelings happen (I have had a very hard time coming to grips with this...I am a practiced queen of denial.) Actions are what define us as monsters (or jerks or assholes...unfortunately that is a road I took briefly - I don't recommend it).


******

Now, I am NOT trying to "convert" anyone to poly (no toaster for me)...but when I read your statements it seems to point to basically a conflict between pursuing what (you think that) you want and what (you think) would make you happy vs. staying in a situation that is safe, stable, and "promises" future safety and stability. Below I respond to a number of your comments from a "pro-poly perspective" (I figure the rest of our society has provided the pro-mono points adequately.)

What I glean from your post about what you want and what you fear and how your feel about poly vs, mono relationships:

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
I kept going to the poly sites and forums, and thinking about how wonderful it would be if my life was like that. I always felt down when I came back to reality...I cried, because I knew that I would always love people but would never be able to be with them, and because I knew people would hate me if they knew how I really am... (My ideal situation would be poly-fi with two partners.)
(but what if you could, sometimes, be with them?... And there are a number of people who might not "hate" you - like the people on this forum.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
I was feeling pretty good about myself at this moment....For a few days, I thought maybe I COULD have it all. I was on cloud nine, and happier than I had been in years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
...miserable 20 years down the line and divorce him because I realized that I had wasted my whole life being tied down to him.
("wasting" 20 years of your life may seem huge when that has been your whole life at this point...but, as I am approaching 40 now, my perspective has shifted somewhat. Say the worst thing happens...you "waste" 20 years and find yourself 40 and available...you now have another potential 40 YEARS to figure it out a second, third, fourth time)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
I crave stability...
(how about the stability of two or several people caring for you?...so you will always be cared for...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
Personally, I just want to be married, have two kids, live in a house in the suburbs and live happily ever after....but...I also fall in love with other people.
(how about that AND that?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
I feel that it's unfair that I wouldn't be able to marry any possible other partners, because they don't deserve to be deprived of a wife.
(OK this is actually a legal issue depending where you are ...but just because you can't be married in the eyes of the government doesn't mean that you can't be married in your own eyes. And not every person is looking for a "wife" - they might not be feeling "deprived" in the slightest.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
If I were to break up with my current boyfriend, all this promise of a stable future would disappear into thin air.
(There is no "promise" - there is only a potential, or a probability)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
I don't want to start over again. I don't want to find someone new. I don't want to go into this dizzying world and have 90% of the people I'm interested in reject me because of the way I love.
(Yes, putting yourself out there is scary...no question. But what about the 10% -that don't reject you? How many people do you anticipate that you are looking for? Is there a time limit when you don't have to stop looking after you find the first one?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarTeddy View Post
Now, I have to make a decision...to stay with my bf and be monogamous for the rest of my life, or to break up with him and face an uncertain future...whichever decision I make, I lose.
(the future is always uncertain. whichever decision you make you could also WIN - that happened to me - MrS had an "epiphany" and now my previously "I can't stand the thought of you with another male - it drives me crazy." husband is a master of compersion)

******

So...? Some points/thoughts to consider in your decision making.

This is your life. It may be the only one you get (I don't know what your religious/spiritual beliefs are...for me, this is the only one that I have proof of). But, you may have a LOT of it to live (or not very much at all)...how do you want to spend it?

I read something once about achieving what you want out of life and decision making. They gave an exercise of visualizing some future point in time that you would like to have happen (this was talking about jobs/finances/etc. but I tend to use it for a variety of decisions) and then ask yourself whether a given decision or action takes you closer or farther away from your goal.

Change is scary. Letting go of a thing that you have for something that may not happen is a risk, a gamble. It may not happen...or it may be better then you ever could have predicted. BUT...your "promise of a stable future" is not actually guaranteed either. The future is ALWAYS uncertain (that's what makes it the future - it hasn't happened yet, it is always ever a potential).

I wish you the best.

Jane
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-03-2012 at 10:27 PM. Reason: ETA spelling
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