Broken records get more play.
Jes' thought i'd put a comment on here to clear up some confusion. this list of boundaries/agreements/rules were gleaned from a phone conversation that was so long that my fully charged phone battery actually died towards the end of it. the advice, points, etc. were only a partial representation of a huge conversation, and were put forward as POSSIBLE ideas or solutions. some are from my sis & her partner's relationships, others wisdom/ideas/advice, others from past relationships, others from friends relationships.
there's a lot of different ways to hear/read that list, and it was never an intention for it to encourage disrespect or non-love of any kind of partnership. said it before, will say it again.
this is list was designed for a very specific set of problems, and to remove pressure from our relationship which has been placed in a pretty tumultuous place after a very naive/inexperienced attempt at a poly-fi triad. in context, this list might make a lot more sense to y'all. for example, when we were given the idea of "not having primary style communication" with our GF, this was because things had gotten WAY too complicated/overprocessy WAY too fast. the suggestion was, in part, to protect our future secondaries from having to process our primary shit with us so early into the relationship, and remove the feelings of responsibility on our side to involve future partners in WAY too much info so quickly. The advice was meant to allow us a different perspective on what kind of communication was appropriate in our specific situation - allowing the perspective pendulum to swing the other way. to be clear, it was a piece of advice for us to listen to, consider, and decide if it was right for us.
their perspectives, advice and thoughts were certainly interesting and inspiring to us - to consider totally different approaches, to think about things in a whole new way. we haven't even gone through the list as a couple yet to discuss what might, and might not work for us, but I can say that having that different perspective removed a GREAT DEAL of pressure from us. it allowed us to consider the possibility that we simply hadn't found the right parameters for poly for ourselves yet, rather than writing ourselves off as being incapable of being poly based on our recent trauma.
finding what works, and doesn't work for each of us in life is an incredibly personal and amazing journey for each of us in life; as consenting adults we ALL have the right to define the parameters of all of our love relationships in a way that brings us joy, and speaking in absolutes and ideals is rarely what actually unfolds in life.
So! my suggestion would be - read the list with a grain of salt, don't make assumptions, ask questions, think about it without getting attached to it - because it's a list of ideas, advice and wisdom designed to allow perspective and and healing for two very loving, respectful peeps from two other very loving and respectful peeps.
Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 03-03-2012 at 06:29 PM.